When I'm bored I often frequent websites that are great time wasters. One of them being stumbleupon. I've found some cool crap because of that website. One page I stumbled upon had cool pictures with questions that would get the viewer thinking. This particular blog is going to focus on two of those thought provoking questions.
1. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?
and
2. What's the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
One looks back, the other looks foward.
I get a feeling that this blog is going to be really hard for me. To figure out what to say, how to say it, and how to be truly honest with myself and the world.
Number one... the most defining moment... My first thought is Kenya and all the things I experienced and learned while there and even after returning home and how to go about living "regularly" again. But I wonder if there isn't some other moment from the past fifty-two weeks that can be seen as significant and life altering.
I recall a conversation I had recently, in the last two or three days. "I wonder if instead of forgiving people, you actually forget about the situation and put it behind you." (basic paraphrase) The old phrase "forgive and forget"... I always say that I am good at that. Or at least the forgiving part. I forgive and then I move on. But this person brought it to my attention that perhaps I'm not actually forgiving, but I'm accepting it as it is and forgetting it so I don't have to deal with it. This thought kinda freaked me out at first. And I guess if I'm honest, it still does. I think there is a lot of truth behind their observation of me. If I look back on certain situations, it is hard for me to remember certain things... I'm starting to realize that I block out negative circumstances/memories in order to move on and not truly deal with them.
If this is the case, I have some serious work to do! I can't go around "forgiving" people when really I am just choosing to forget what they did or said. If I really think about it, do I truly know what it means to forgive? I can look back on significant moments in the last few years and still feel a slight bitterness, sadness, or whatever else. Have I not truly forgiven? Some of this I thought I dealt with long ago. Part of me wonders if there is still work to be done. Ughh I hate this.
(Even as I finish this up, I feel as if there could be a few more defining moments in the last year... perhaps I shall write another blog about that later.)
So I guess this kind of leads me to question two... This is something I need to change in the next year. Or at least work on, or learn or something. I need to learn what it is to truly forgive and I need to learn how to STOP avoiding conflict. This scares the crap out of me. It's a conflict in itself. Conflicting the way I normally do things. Well this should be fun.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas Kenya
I've been lying in bed for the last forty-five minutes reminiscing about Kenya. I don't think I can get away with that and not write a blog about it. I'm not even sure what made me think of it... Maybe I wondered how people celebrated Christmas there, or if they even do. (I'm pretty sure they do) I wondered about the weather, remembering that it is summer for them(and basically for us too! haha)
I laid here and thought about the tiny little details, the small instances that occurred that I don't tend to think about when I think of that wonderful trip. I know I have probably shared some of these with you guys, but I'm hoping that some are new to your ears.... or rather your eyes haha
The morning Annie and I and the boys hung out on the patio in the foggy morning watching the birds swoop out of the sky and eat their breakfast of those flying bugs that were everywhere!
The bumpy bumpy bus rides to and from everywhere, including that time when our driver was brave enough to take us down a very narrow street in the Kibera slum. I was so scared.
The night we arrived in Kenya...I remember looking out the window of our plane and seeing lights spotting the landscape but it was a different kind of light. Somehow I could tell that it was not a city, but rather a slum. After traveling through customs we were picked up by Terry and Beto in our bus. It was dark and rainy and so so beautiful.
The security guards standing around in many places with their huge guns strapped across their chests...
The BEST chocolate crossiant thing I've ever had from Java House.
A young girl who had been given a piece of candy, unwrapped it and bit it into three pieces for her and her friends to share it...
The best worship experience of my life(seriously) occurred in a modest room, standing along the wall with my team members as we sang along with the deep sounds of thirty or so men who were recovering addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, and abusers. All of us together worshipping our God.
Kara's parasite scare... haha
The time I was taking a shower and another girl(I won't mention her name lol) was sitting on the toilet and the power went out! Which also meant that the water stopped working... luckily I had finished rinsing out my hair. Then the four of us girls laid on one of the beds talking and giggling our heads off in the dark.
That night I laid on the grass with Ashley and tried to find constellations in the sky using the app on her phone. I loved that.
The night Josh and I had a heart to heart on the patio and I drew a picture in his sketch book.
Crashing(not really) a wedding when we went to Karen Blixen's old home turned museum.
Asking one tiny question about relationships in a circle of "youth" at church and the conversation exploding from there.
Seeing basically my only Kenyan sunset as we were coming back from Terry and Beto's house that one night. (We were always at the place we stayed by that time for safety and traffic issues)
Watching the Dog Whisperer with Annie and Cherise.
Going to a mini catholic church service(mass?) at the old people place and feeling very awkward and out of place.
The two old blind men who had betrothed themselves to Renee and I and asked us to come back to them after we finished our schooling.
The educated man playing checkers who Bobby(I think) and I chatted with about the United States and sports.
The respect that I had for hard working women after spending the day washing sheets by hand,(and attempting to wring them out, also by hand. I realized that day that I am completely lacking in arm muscle...) mopping, emptying toilets and the like.
Being asked if we had ever washed clothes by hand. When our answer was no, the ladies asked us if our parents did it or if we had maids to do it for us. Hesitantly we said no and said we had machines to do it. They looked at us surprised but knowing at the same time and continued back to their work.
Having to eat a huge plate/bowl full of rice and beans. Feeling sick afterwards.
Having to eat a huge plate full of all kinds of stuff. And drink a soda on top of it.
Ordering a bacon cheesburger among other things on one of our last days and wanting to slap myself for eating so much(I didn't even have to finish that food, but I tried to). I didn't even feel sick, I just wanted to lie on the floor and die because I was so full of food. Worst feeling ever.
Going inside a Maasai's home.
Worshipping our creator in the middle of his beautiful creation with Maasai women who were singing in Swahili.
The tiny boy at the Nest Home whom I fell in love with. I don't even remember what it was, but he was beautiful and so very special to me.
Darling Peninah... a girl who after helping me offer roses to everyone on Mother's Day, asked me to follow her around and take pictures of her.
The ringing of the bell for meal time.
I could go on and on. And I really want to, but this is long enough already. Although I do feel it is insufficient of the time I spent thinking of it all. I definitely left a lot out.
A beautiful, beautiful experience. Perhaps I shall write more blogs with other little remembrances.
O how I miss it so.
Merry Christmas Kenya.
I laid here and thought about the tiny little details, the small instances that occurred that I don't tend to think about when I think of that wonderful trip. I know I have probably shared some of these with you guys, but I'm hoping that some are new to your ears.... or rather your eyes haha
The morning Annie and I and the boys hung out on the patio in the foggy morning watching the birds swoop out of the sky and eat their breakfast of those flying bugs that were everywhere!
The bumpy bumpy bus rides to and from everywhere, including that time when our driver was brave enough to take us down a very narrow street in the Kibera slum. I was so scared.
The night we arrived in Kenya...I remember looking out the window of our plane and seeing lights spotting the landscape but it was a different kind of light. Somehow I could tell that it was not a city, but rather a slum. After traveling through customs we were picked up by Terry and Beto in our bus. It was dark and rainy and so so beautiful.
The security guards standing around in many places with their huge guns strapped across their chests...
The BEST chocolate crossiant thing I've ever had from Java House.
A young girl who had been given a piece of candy, unwrapped it and bit it into three pieces for her and her friends to share it...
The best worship experience of my life(seriously) occurred in a modest room, standing along the wall with my team members as we sang along with the deep sounds of thirty or so men who were recovering addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, and abusers. All of us together worshipping our God.
Kara's parasite scare... haha
The time I was taking a shower and another girl(I won't mention her name lol) was sitting on the toilet and the power went out! Which also meant that the water stopped working... luckily I had finished rinsing out my hair. Then the four of us girls laid on one of the beds talking and giggling our heads off in the dark.
That night I laid on the grass with Ashley and tried to find constellations in the sky using the app on her phone. I loved that.
The night Josh and I had a heart to heart on the patio and I drew a picture in his sketch book.
Crashing(not really) a wedding when we went to Karen Blixen's old home turned museum.
Asking one tiny question about relationships in a circle of "youth" at church and the conversation exploding from there.
Seeing basically my only Kenyan sunset as we were coming back from Terry and Beto's house that one night. (We were always at the place we stayed by that time for safety and traffic issues)
Watching the Dog Whisperer with Annie and Cherise.
Going to a mini catholic church service(mass?) at the old people place and feeling very awkward and out of place.
The two old blind men who had betrothed themselves to Renee and I and asked us to come back to them after we finished our schooling.
The educated man playing checkers who Bobby(I think) and I chatted with about the United States and sports.
The respect that I had for hard working women after spending the day washing sheets by hand,(and attempting to wring them out, also by hand. I realized that day that I am completely lacking in arm muscle...) mopping, emptying toilets and the like.
Being asked if we had ever washed clothes by hand. When our answer was no, the ladies asked us if our parents did it or if we had maids to do it for us. Hesitantly we said no and said we had machines to do it. They looked at us surprised but knowing at the same time and continued back to their work.
Having to eat a huge plate/bowl full of rice and beans. Feeling sick afterwards.
Having to eat a huge plate full of all kinds of stuff. And drink a soda on top of it.
Ordering a bacon cheesburger among other things on one of our last days and wanting to slap myself for eating so much(I didn't even have to finish that food, but I tried to). I didn't even feel sick, I just wanted to lie on the floor and die because I was so full of food. Worst feeling ever.
Going inside a Maasai's home.
Worshipping our creator in the middle of his beautiful creation with Maasai women who were singing in Swahili.
The tiny boy at the Nest Home whom I fell in love with. I don't even remember what it was, but he was beautiful and so very special to me.
Darling Peninah... a girl who after helping me offer roses to everyone on Mother's Day, asked me to follow her around and take pictures of her.
The ringing of the bell for meal time.
I could go on and on. And I really want to, but this is long enough already. Although I do feel it is insufficient of the time I spent thinking of it all. I definitely left a lot out.
A beautiful, beautiful experience. Perhaps I shall write more blogs with other little remembrances.
O how I miss it so.
Merry Christmas Kenya.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Road Trip
I am leaving tomorrow morning at eight for a mini road trip to San Diego. I couldn't be happier. I'm excited to see what kind of adventures we will go on and what things we will see. We're spending the night at a friend's and coming back the next day. Hopefully this will be the mini getaway that I've been wanting. Hooray for adventure!
Resolution
Strangely enough, I have remembered my New Year's Resolution from last year, the entire year.... Not to say that I have stuck to it the whole time, but I at least remember what it was and still have a bit of time to act on it. Always take risks. I'm pretty sure I wrote a note about it on Facebook or something... But that was it. I wanted to get off my lazy introverted butt and go do things that would normally freak me out or be totally out of my comfort zone. And I am happy to say that I have had some wonderful experiences doing just that. I am also sure that I will have at least a couple more in this last month.
So with all that said... What do I do about next year? In years past I've never been too serious about resolutions because I would always forget about them or not stick with it. But I think it's been because they were unrealistic. But an idea like taking more risks was something that I could easily accomplish as long as I dared to do it. (Another thing that I think helped, was that I had "always take risks" as the banner on my phone for months! I saw it everytime I opened it up.) So I've been thinking about this next year and thinking about what it's going to be for me, what I hope to do, what I hope to accomplish. I think I want to keep the theme of taking risks but also I need to add in some other element...
This blog has been sitting around in my drafts for the last three weeks... and I still haven't come up with anything good yet... mehhh
So with all that said... What do I do about next year? In years past I've never been too serious about resolutions because I would always forget about them or not stick with it. But I think it's been because they were unrealistic. But an idea like taking more risks was something that I could easily accomplish as long as I dared to do it. (Another thing that I think helped, was that I had "always take risks" as the banner on my phone for months! I saw it everytime I opened it up.) So I've been thinking about this next year and thinking about what it's going to be for me, what I hope to do, what I hope to accomplish. I think I want to keep the theme of taking risks but also I need to add in some other element...
This blog has been sitting around in my drafts for the last three weeks... and I still haven't come up with anything good yet... mehhh
Green Eggs and Ham
If I remember right, I've never had green eggs and ham. But I have had green pancakes, waffles, and milk. When we were kids (and it has even trickled into our later years) my mom and dad would always make green food things on St. Patrick's Day. It always seemed to make it more festive and exciting. But that's pretty much the only time we ever die our food right? Part of me wants to go make something yummy and dye it, just because I can, and just to make it fun. I want to make a green cake, or maybe a purple one.
I should make a red and green for Christmas...
I should make a red and green for Christmas...
Lost Connection
My laptop doesn't let me post videos from Youtube onto my blog and I'm too lazy to use the computer in the other room to do it. So go look.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_FM9vQWCXE
I'm languorously open ended
And the endings no good
I've been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I'm ready to burn
And I'm at war within myself and self is winning the fight
Cause feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Their lyrics are fab. And they are beautiful creatures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_FM9vQWCXE
I'm languorously open ended
And the endings no good
I've been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I'm ready to burn
And I'm at war within myself and self is winning the fight
Cause feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Their lyrics are fab. And they are beautiful creatures.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Peace
After finishing my last blog, I began to read my new Ted Dekker book called Forbidden. Finally. Haha I've had it for two weeks and am just now getting to it. After a couple chapters I moved over to the kid's section because that's the one place in the store where they don't mind if you sit on the floor and read.(I hate that) I went on the little stage they have and leaned against the wall and read another chapter or two. And then I wrote. And it wasn't a simple, sit down and write it thing. It was work. It didn't always come out easily. And I had to reread it and ponder it and delete things and rewrite a bunch of times before finally getting it right about 12 minutes before the store was going to close. I was afraid I would run out of time, but I got it. I think. After I finished, and was packing up my things to leave, I felt good. I felt accomplished. I felt like I had made something beautiful and that felt so refreshing. I wished a Merry Christmas to the guy working near the door as I exited. I got in my car, and turned on some Jon Foreman for the drive home and just relaxed. Finally. It feels so nice. Now it's time for bed. I am in a good mood and at peace.
All Over the Place
I sat down to write about something, and I can't really remember what it was.
Lately I've been wanting to write, a lot. But I haven't been able to and I don't know why and it is the most frustrating thing ever. What do I do with all the crap in my head? I really don't want to talk about anything anymore. I don't even want to think about anything anymore. So what do I do? I need a break. I need some hardcore sleep and I need to get away or something. I'm so sick of all of this. I'm sick of wanting to talk about it so I can figure it out or feel better about it but none of that works and I only end up feeling worse.
I want to forget everything and move on with my life. I want to enjoy my Christmas break and paint and read and write and do everything that sounds lovely.
So I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble right now facing a couple(in their late thirties) sitting next to each other, having coffee and it looks like the guy is trying to explain his cool phone to her and show her all the cool things it does. She takes it in her hands and fiddles and he says no no like this. Or some crap like that. He takes a sip of his coffee and she looks at her own phone and asks him a question. Has society really come to the point where we flirt and get to know each other over a stupid piece of technology? I've really gotten sick of it all lately. Not to say that I am opposed to technology altogether because obviously I am typing this up on a computer and using wifi and what not. But I just wish it wasn't so prevalent and important in our society. I'm good with my average laptop, an old ipod that no longer lets me put music on it, and my average phone that has a keyboard. I don't need much else and don't really want much else. I have enough crap as it is.
Moving home helped me realize how much worthless crap I have and how I hate it all and want to get rid of a bunch. I think I'd be good with some clothes, art supplies, a couple books, and the afore mentioned pieces of technology. I could probably get rid of most everything I own and be perfectly happy.
Wouldn't that be nice? Now let's see if I actually do that or not.
I am so in need of a break.
Lately I've been wanting to write, a lot. But I haven't been able to and I don't know why and it is the most frustrating thing ever. What do I do with all the crap in my head? I really don't want to talk about anything anymore. I don't even want to think about anything anymore. So what do I do? I need a break. I need some hardcore sleep and I need to get away or something. I'm so sick of all of this. I'm sick of wanting to talk about it so I can figure it out or feel better about it but none of that works and I only end up feeling worse.
I want to forget everything and move on with my life. I want to enjoy my Christmas break and paint and read and write and do everything that sounds lovely.
So I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble right now facing a couple(in their late thirties) sitting next to each other, having coffee and it looks like the guy is trying to explain his cool phone to her and show her all the cool things it does. She takes it in her hands and fiddles and he says no no like this. Or some crap like that. He takes a sip of his coffee and she looks at her own phone and asks him a question. Has society really come to the point where we flirt and get to know each other over a stupid piece of technology? I've really gotten sick of it all lately. Not to say that I am opposed to technology altogether because obviously I am typing this up on a computer and using wifi and what not. But I just wish it wasn't so prevalent and important in our society. I'm good with my average laptop, an old ipod that no longer lets me put music on it, and my average phone that has a keyboard. I don't need much else and don't really want much else. I have enough crap as it is.
Moving home helped me realize how much worthless crap I have and how I hate it all and want to get rid of a bunch. I think I'd be good with some clothes, art supplies, a couple books, and the afore mentioned pieces of technology. I could probably get rid of most everything I own and be perfectly happy.
Wouldn't that be nice? Now let's see if I actually do that or not.
I am so in need of a break.
Christmas?
I really only wanted to find a video with the part from 2:12 to 2:23 but I couldn't.
I kinda just felt like that today. I hate Christmas and I want everybody to know it.
But I only feel like that today... we'll see how tomorrow is.
I kinda just felt like that today. I hate Christmas and I want everybody to know it.
But I only feel like that today... we'll see how tomorrow is.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Scared...
The side of my desk is parallel to the wall and I sit on top of my desk with my back to that wall. My dubstep is loud and my door is open, which is unusual. But tonight, I don't really care who hears my music. My little corner is empty, void, white. The drawers are all pulled out, lined up and stacked in my closet. My lovely little corner will no longer be home. Soon my home will be my home. I'm trying to be ok with that. I moved all my things back home tonight and I stood in the corner of my room staring at everything and I just got depressed. I would soon be stuck in one room/one house for a while. I know I can go out and do things but I've enjoyed the freedom of these last two months. Come and go as I want. Plenty of people who are literally a two minute walk away. I'm going to miss the convenience of it all. It's a funny feeling because I know I live close and I know I can come back whenever I want to. But I still feel like I will be disconnected. I do know that there are a few people who are more than willing to let me stay the night with them on campus, which is nice, and I am definitely going to take them up on that. But it's just going to be an adjustment. I'm hoping I don't get bored, upset, antsy, depressed, and whatever else. I feel like it wouldn't be too hard for that to happen. I'm hoping it doesn't...
So Meg, my RA just came in and said that I was good to go, I did a great job cleaning, and that everything looked good. So I handed her my keys. Well that was a weird feeling. Sigh... I don't know what to think about all of this. I have NO IDEA where I'm going from here. For a while, I think I was kinda excited about that. I have all kinds of opportunities in front of me and I just have to take one and go after something. But now, here I am, and I am scared to death. I'm scared of getting restless and bored and angry because of those feelings. I'm scared that I won't take chances that come my way. I'm scared that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of making my parents worried when all I want to do is stay in my room all day and be alone, in the dark, with music, in silence, in whatever. I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to worry about me.
I didn't proofread this blog... O well.
So Meg, my RA just came in and said that I was good to go, I did a great job cleaning, and that everything looked good. So I handed her my keys. Well that was a weird feeling. Sigh... I don't know what to think about all of this. I have NO IDEA where I'm going from here. For a while, I think I was kinda excited about that. I have all kinds of opportunities in front of me and I just have to take one and go after something. But now, here I am, and I am scared to death. I'm scared of getting restless and bored and angry because of those feelings. I'm scared that I won't take chances that come my way. I'm scared that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of making my parents worried when all I want to do is stay in my room all day and be alone, in the dark, with music, in silence, in whatever. I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to worry about me.
I didn't proofread this blog... O well.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Relax
I ate three pieces of Dove chocolate today and two of them said this.
Wanting to Give
"I don't have to give you anything, but I want to give you everything."
There is a difference between having to do something and wanting to do it. When someone wants to do something, they have a positive attitude toward the action and they have a desire to fulfill it. When they have to... they have to and there is nothing pushing them except to get the task done.
The person quoted above wants to give everything... That shows the state of their heart. When you have a desire to give someone everything, what does that mean? Does that mean love? Something tells me yes.
There is a difference between having to do something and wanting to do it. When someone wants to do something, they have a positive attitude toward the action and they have a desire to fulfill it. When they have to... they have to and there is nothing pushing them except to get the task done.
The person quoted above wants to give everything... That shows the state of their heart. When you have a desire to give someone everything, what does that mean? Does that mean love? Something tells me yes.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sleeping at Last
I've been listening to this band way too much lately. I'm almost sick of them haha
I love the artwork they have for all their albums and songs and things. It is lovely. Weird coincidence...I looked up the artist who does their stuff, Geoff Benzing, and his art was showcased at Bridgeport Church's First Friday art shows... Bridgeport Church is a small church that some of us visited in Kansas City, MO last December. This church helped give me a vision of things I would like to implement into my own church plant. I really liked the feel of the place, chill and not over the top, and it was on a streetfront, like in downtown whatever city we were in. It was the perfect spot. But going back to First Fridays... The church opens up to the city and showcases local artists in their little sanctuary. Artists, dreamers, believers, nonbelievers, all lovers of art, come and enjoy a night of community and beauty. I find that simply wonderful. Too good.
But anywayy here is Sleeping at Last's January White.
I've started to think about this coming year...What it means for me, what it's going to hold, what resolution I want to make. (I really hate the term "new year's resolution". It needs a new name. A blog more or less about this topic coming soon.) This song kinda goes along with that I suppose. Enjoy.
So let's press undo.
Rearrange the old and call it new-
January white.
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind.
'cause if nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the game, a chance to redefine
Everything we are,
In our January white.
This year is a sealed envelope,
A culmination of hopes,
The lottery result that we've been crossing fingers for.
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue,
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white.
If nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds;
Our hourglasses turn.
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope
We brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand,
A chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
I love the artwork they have for all their albums and songs and things. It is lovely. Weird coincidence...I looked up the artist who does their stuff, Geoff Benzing, and his art was showcased at Bridgeport Church's First Friday art shows... Bridgeport Church is a small church that some of us visited in Kansas City, MO last December. This church helped give me a vision of things I would like to implement into my own church plant. I really liked the feel of the place, chill and not over the top, and it was on a streetfront, like in downtown whatever city we were in. It was the perfect spot. But going back to First Fridays... The church opens up to the city and showcases local artists in their little sanctuary. Artists, dreamers, believers, nonbelievers, all lovers of art, come and enjoy a night of community and beauty. I find that simply wonderful. Too good.
But anywayy here is Sleeping at Last's January White.
I've started to think about this coming year...What it means for me, what it's going to hold, what resolution I want to make. (I really hate the term "new year's resolution". It needs a new name. A blog more or less about this topic coming soon.) This song kinda goes along with that I suppose. Enjoy.
So let's press undo.
Rearrange the old and call it new-
January white.
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind.
'cause if nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the game, a chance to redefine
Everything we are,
In our January white.
This year is a sealed envelope,
A culmination of hopes,
The lottery result that we've been crossing fingers for.
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue,
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white.
If nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds;
Our hourglasses turn.
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope
We brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand,
A chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Words of Wisdom
"Just make sure you listen to what God tells you. Do what He wants you to do or else you're just going to do it later."
Another random conversation with a random person.
Today has been a really weird day. I can't even explain it. But it's had a strange mix of great things, weird dreams, donuts, good grades, random conversations, rest, and soon the best friend.
Here's to adventure!
Another random conversation with a random person.
Today has been a really weird day. I can't even explain it. But it's had a strange mix of great things, weird dreams, donuts, good grades, random conversations, rest, and soon the best friend.
Here's to adventure!
Breakfast is for Waking Up
Random talking back and forth.
I mumble and stumble over my words.
Laughing, "I'm not awake."
"That's what breakfast is for."
Simple, but true I feel. Breakfast is for waking up.
Waking up is for breakfast.
The same friend that spoke these words to me also gave me a hug. A random one I might add. This is not one of those friends that I can expect a hug from whenever I see them. This person never hugs me. It's not like it's a big deal; I don't go around making note of who does and doesn't hug me. But receiving a hug from them was just that much more nice and unexpected. In a strange way, it kind of made my morning.
Anyway, I feel like today has a certain energy about it. Something good is going to happen, or it's just going to be a nice day. Something like that...
I mumble and stumble over my words.
Laughing, "I'm not awake."
"That's what breakfast is for."
Simple, but true I feel. Breakfast is for waking up.
Waking up is for breakfast.
The same friend that spoke these words to me also gave me a hug. A random one I might add. This is not one of those friends that I can expect a hug from whenever I see them. This person never hugs me. It's not like it's a big deal; I don't go around making note of who does and doesn't hug me. But receiving a hug from them was just that much more nice and unexpected. In a strange way, it kind of made my morning.
Anyway, I feel like today has a certain energy about it. Something good is going to happen, or it's just going to be a nice day. Something like that...
Lacking
I've had a huge desire to write the past couple days. I did yesterday in my little Rant... But I want more. I want to write something else. Something profound, something beautiful, something interesting. But I don't know what.
I don't know what to write about. I'm sitting at Denny's right now with two friends. We ate some food and now we're just chilling. Today's been an interesting day. I had class this morning, realized how much I really enjoy the company of my friend sitting next to me. I will be sad to not share class with him next semester. I went to chapel and enjoyed a few Christmas carols and what not and spaced out through most of what the president was saying. I left that and went to the loop for a whileee. Reading poetry and listening to a wonderful band called Sleeping At Last. Too good. I was joined by a friend and we sat reading some more stuff which was nice. But then I got in a funky mood. My girl came over and we hung out for a little while and caught each other up on life. Then my momma came and got me and we went to Joanns to pick out material for the apron she is going to make me. Dad then met us at Coldstone so I could get me free birthday ice cream. I drove the car back to school and ended up working on homework at Starbucks for a while. Grabbed some Jack in the Crack and was reminded of our math study group. Went to that and was there for an hour and a half... Then went back to my room and basically finished my practicum. Grabbed two friends and now am sitting here at Denny's. I guess it's been a pretty eventful day but nothing to crazy. Except for practicum maybe. It always surprises me when I'm working on a homework assignment and something hits me and I'm like woahh dang. That happened today while working on practicum. Pretty cool, lots to think about now.
Some lyrics from Sleeping At Last:
There's no need to be afraid,
Overwhelming love cascades.
The melody will rise and swell
As it finds its way inside the shell.
So this post is not profound, beautiful or interesting, but it's all I got tonight. Don't have energy for much else. I'm going to try to write more often. Imma try for every day. Even if I don't have much, like today, I'm gunna push through and try to come up with something anyway. I enjoy it too much to not take advantage of the time I have to write
I don't know what to write about. I'm sitting at Denny's right now with two friends. We ate some food and now we're just chilling. Today's been an interesting day. I had class this morning, realized how much I really enjoy the company of my friend sitting next to me. I will be sad to not share class with him next semester. I went to chapel and enjoyed a few Christmas carols and what not and spaced out through most of what the president was saying. I left that and went to the loop for a whileee. Reading poetry and listening to a wonderful band called Sleeping At Last. Too good. I was joined by a friend and we sat reading some more stuff which was nice. But then I got in a funky mood. My girl came over and we hung out for a little while and caught each other up on life. Then my momma came and got me and we went to Joanns to pick out material for the apron she is going to make me. Dad then met us at Coldstone so I could get me free birthday ice cream. I drove the car back to school and ended up working on homework at Starbucks for a while. Grabbed some Jack in the Crack and was reminded of our math study group. Went to that and was there for an hour and a half... Then went back to my room and basically finished my practicum. Grabbed two friends and now am sitting here at Denny's. I guess it's been a pretty eventful day but nothing to crazy. Except for practicum maybe. It always surprises me when I'm working on a homework assignment and something hits me and I'm like woahh dang. That happened today while working on practicum. Pretty cool, lots to think about now.
Some lyrics from Sleeping At Last:
There's no need to be afraid,
Overwhelming love cascades.
The melody will rise and swell
As it finds its way inside the shell.
So this post is not profound, beautiful or interesting, but it's all I got tonight. Don't have energy for much else. I'm going to try to write more often. Imma try for every day. Even if I don't have much, like today, I'm gunna push through and try to come up with something anyway. I enjoy it too much to not take advantage of the time I have to write
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Modern Day Poets
I came upon this website where people can submit their own poetry and browse through other poems and read or critique and what not. It's quite lovely to get a taste of poetry that people are writing right now. I always read books of poetry from people that are either dead or old and the only time I get to read things that are being written now, is when my friends post something on their blog or Facebook. So being on this website is super cool because people are always posting new work. (Random side note, I have read many poems on that site by poets between the ages of 13 and 16 that are so beautifully written and have so much raw emotion, pain, love, beauty. It's insane. Initially my thought was, wow these kids are so young and they are writing all this crazy stuff... But apparently I had forgotten the things I felt when I was that age... Not like it was that long ago... but still... Just kinda funny what I forget until I sit down and think about it.)
Anyway, just read this right now... and I like it, I think. I don't like all of it. I like the beginning, middle, and end, but not the in betweens. Haha
People in the Rain
by Ahmad Cox
The night closes in
There are people out in the rain
People lost in the cold
There are people who don't really have a place
That they can really be
Trapped in themselves
Lost to the world
Not really knowing
How to connect to everyone else
Not really knowing
How to make sense
Of this crazy world that we take to be normal
There are people out there
Who don't know how to feel
They have gotten so used to being numb
Doing everything they can to remove the pain
The pain of the present
The pain of the past
The pain that memories bring
And the pain of knowing that what they are doing
To ease the pain
To stay numb
To get a little moment's peace
They will do whatever it takes
Even it means killing themselves
But often they don't care
They have gotten so far down
So far lost
That they feel like they deserve it
Like they can't do better
People can start to feel like their lives are one big track
That just keeps going around and around
Never really moving
Just continuing the same cycle again and again
But we are all lost in our own ways
Lost to the cold
Lost in the night
We all have our moments
When it feels like the night is closing in
When we feel like we are better off
If we just don't feel at all
If it would be better
If we made ourselves apathetic
So that way we wouldn't really have to feel the pain
Feeling others
And actually caring for someone other then ourselves
Having love and compassion in our hearts
It's hard sometimes
To open up ourselves
And to let go
It can be even harder
To open yourself up
To feel all of the emotions
That we all feel
Whether it be joy
Pain
Sorrow
Peace
Whether we laugh
Or whether we cry
It's hard sometimes to allow ourselves to be present in what we are feeling
We all want to avoid pain in our lives
But if you spend your life running from yourself
Running from people
Running from the pain
And living in the night
Hurting and destroying yourself
And the people around you
Ultimately you will find yourself alone
Anyway, just read this right now... and I like it, I think. I don't like all of it. I like the beginning, middle, and end, but not the in betweens. Haha
People in the Rain
by Ahmad Cox
The night closes in
There are people out in the rain
People lost in the cold
There are people who don't really have a place
That they can really be
Trapped in themselves
Lost to the world
Not really knowing
How to connect to everyone else
Not really knowing
How to make sense
Of this crazy world that we take to be normal
There are people out there
Who don't know how to feel
They have gotten so used to being numb
Doing everything they can to remove the pain
The pain of the present
The pain of the past
The pain that memories bring
And the pain of knowing that what they are doing
To ease the pain
To stay numb
To get a little moment's peace
They will do whatever it takes
Even it means killing themselves
But often they don't care
They have gotten so far down
So far lost
That they feel like they deserve it
Like they can't do better
People can start to feel like their lives are one big track
That just keeps going around and around
Never really moving
Just continuing the same cycle again and again
But we are all lost in our own ways
Lost to the cold
Lost in the night
We all have our moments
When it feels like the night is closing in
When we feel like we are better off
If we just don't feel at all
If it would be better
If we made ourselves apathetic
So that way we wouldn't really have to feel the pain
Feeling others
And actually caring for someone other then ourselves
Having love and compassion in our hearts
It's hard sometimes
To open up ourselves
And to let go
It can be even harder
To open yourself up
To feel all of the emotions
That we all feel
Whether it be joy
Pain
Sorrow
Peace
Whether we laugh
Or whether we cry
It's hard sometimes to allow ourselves to be present in what we are feeling
We all want to avoid pain in our lives
But if you spend your life running from yourself
Running from people
Running from the pain
And living in the night
Hurting and destroying yourself
And the people around you
Ultimately you will find yourself alone
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Rant
I realized today that I just don't care. I feel horrible and far from God and I just don't care. WTJ? Sometimes I feel guilty when I tell people this. It's like I'm supposed to feel a certain way or something. They make me feel like it's super horrible that I feel like crap and am far from God and I just need to try harder. Well screw you, I don't want to try harder. I'm tired of trying to balance this whole thing. I never know when I need to focus on God, or myself, or others, or my issues, or other's issues or what. When I pray, I struggle with what to say because I have been told in so many sermons to first start out by praising God and then do this, then do this, etc. Well lately, I haven't felt like worshipping God because I'm so fed up with my life and the way I feel and I just want to curse him and tell him to make me feel better or just leave me alone. But then I feel guilty for focusing on my own crap and then try to pray for others but don't really try hard enough and then I just feel lousy because I'm not spending the time how I should. And then too often I end up falling asleep because I am so damn tired of all of this.
It bugs me that I've gotten to this point. To the point that when people pray for me and give me Godly advice, it ends up just getting on my nerves and I just want them to shut up.
And because of this ^ I really don't want anyone who reads this to come up to me and say hey how are you doing, let's talk about this, I'm praying for you, blah blah blah. I feel shitty enough as it is, I don't need your empty words to make it worse.
I want to delete this post... Because it's so raw and real and I don't want any of you to read it.
But it's the truth.
It bugs me that I've gotten to this point. To the point that when people pray for me and give me Godly advice, it ends up just getting on my nerves and I just want them to shut up.
And because of this ^ I really don't want anyone who reads this to come up to me and say hey how are you doing, let's talk about this, I'm praying for you, blah blah blah. I feel shitty enough as it is, I don't need your empty words to make it worse.
I want to delete this post... Because it's so raw and real and I don't want any of you to read it.
But it's the truth.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sexual Healing
I watched this this morning and then as soon as it was over I got a text from my friend that said "Not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. NOTHING in ALL creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God."
God's timing is funny sometimes.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Best Friend
I have the most amazing best friend I could ever ask for. This girl....
Melissa wrote the most wonderful poem for my birthday. The first part was silly and full of hilarious memories that we have experienced together. I would share it but to be honest, there are a few things I would rather not share with the world... haha but it's wonderful!
The second half of her poem is a little bit more serious. It's also the part that sent me over the edge and made me cry. Haha
It's like she put the last six years into a poem. I can't get over it.
Well anyway, here is the second part. Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it....
You are adventurous and wilder, Braver then me too
Your delicate heart and love of God makes me want to be like you.
Life is fine when you are laughing and showing that smile.
When you sing your favorite songs and dance for a little while.
Guys will come and go, trying to conquer your heart.
Just be patient for the one who will never want to part.
I cannot guarantee that there wont be any sad moments
But you stay positive and continue to shine in your moment.
God is watching both of us, we never leave his sight.
How can I tell this? We have never had a big fight.
You’ve been there for me as much as I have for you.
We’ve been friends for years and years, sticking together like super glue.
You stood by my side when we both thought I had that thyroid tumor
I didn’t think I could smile but you got me to with your wicked sense of humor.
After that last line, I find my self in tears as I start to cry.
Cause Im still wondering, more like asking God why.
Why he had bestowed upon me such a blessing in disguise
Who gets along with me as ice cream to apple pies.
Deep down in your heart, you know there is nothing to fear.
For I am your best friend and I will always be here
Today is gonna be a great day for you, You know that I am right
I quote our favorite song, that you have the time of your life.
There's something about this girl... I just love her so much! God has blessed me with our friendship and I couldn't have asked for a greater friend.
Melissa wrote the most wonderful poem for my birthday. The first part was silly and full of hilarious memories that we have experienced together. I would share it but to be honest, there are a few things I would rather not share with the world... haha but it's wonderful!
The second half of her poem is a little bit more serious. It's also the part that sent me over the edge and made me cry. Haha
It's like she put the last six years into a poem. I can't get over it.
Well anyway, here is the second part. Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it....
You are adventurous and wilder, Braver then me too
Your delicate heart and love of God makes me want to be like you.
Life is fine when you are laughing and showing that smile.
When you sing your favorite songs and dance for a little while.
Guys will come and go, trying to conquer your heart.
Just be patient for the one who will never want to part.
I cannot guarantee that there wont be any sad moments
But you stay positive and continue to shine in your moment.
God is watching both of us, we never leave his sight.
How can I tell this? We have never had a big fight.
You’ve been there for me as much as I have for you.
We’ve been friends for years and years, sticking together like super glue.
You stood by my side when we both thought I had that thyroid tumor
I didn’t think I could smile but you got me to with your wicked sense of humor.
After that last line, I find my self in tears as I start to cry.
Cause Im still wondering, more like asking God why.
Why he had bestowed upon me such a blessing in disguise
Who gets along with me as ice cream to apple pies.
Deep down in your heart, you know there is nothing to fear.
For I am your best friend and I will always be here
Today is gonna be a great day for you, You know that I am right
I quote our favorite song, that you have the time of your life.
There's something about this girl... I just love her so much! God has blessed me with our friendship and I couldn't have asked for a greater friend.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
What Happened?
There are a few pictures on the fridge at my house right now. Three are individual pics of my sisters and me when we were little and one more shows the three of us togther. I noticed that I looked incredibly happy and excited in these pictures. I asked my parents if I was a happy kid and they said I was. I jokingly asked what happened and my mom said it was because of the move. I instantly realized she was right. The summer before I started eighth grade, we moved from La Mirada to La Verne so my dad could take a job as associate pastor at a church in Covina. I was pissed. I did not want to move whatsoever. I felt like my parents were being selfish and not thinking of the whole family. But God called them... so you can't really argue with that. In our earlier conversation, they said that everyone suffered from the decision. The whole family suffered. WTH. My first thought was how could God have called them if all of us suffered from it? Then I started thinking realistically and without the bitterness that apparently has been clouding my mind forever. Even as I start thinking deeper about this situation, I'm left with the realization that I've been bitter all these years. Bitter towards my parents for making us leave our wonderful home, neighborhood, church family, schools and starting over with something completely new, different, and unwanted. Is this why my relationship with them has suffered so many years? Is that why I didn't want to be close to them, because I was afraid they would do something like this again?
Or maybe that's not the reason, but maybe it's the first step towards figuring out what went wrong. Regardless, things are changing with that relationship... and it's good and I like it. So mom and dad, since I know you read this, I want to say thank you. Even though everyone had a really difficult time with the move, we all grew from it. We all changed and we all have better stories because of it. I don't think I'm done healing from this. I think this is just the beginning because I didn't even realize until now that I had a deep wound. I'm not even sure what this all means, or why it's coming up now.
So this is my first step towards evaluating things of the past and figuring out what it means for me now. I feel like I am going to be learning a lot about myself in the next couple months and growing in that. It kinda freaks me out because I feel like it's going to be really hard. But I guess I'm looking forward to it at the same time.
Or maybe that's not the reason, but maybe it's the first step towards figuring out what went wrong. Regardless, things are changing with that relationship... and it's good and I like it. So mom and dad, since I know you read this, I want to say thank you. Even though everyone had a really difficult time with the move, we all grew from it. We all changed and we all have better stories because of it. I don't think I'm done healing from this. I think this is just the beginning because I didn't even realize until now that I had a deep wound. I'm not even sure what this all means, or why it's coming up now.
So this is my first step towards evaluating things of the past and figuring out what it means for me now. I feel like I am going to be learning a lot about myself in the next couple months and growing in that. It kinda freaks me out because I feel like it's going to be really hard. But I guess I'm looking forward to it at the same time.
Friday, November 25, 2011
I Hate Coming up with Titles...
So I don’t want this to be a typical “this is what I’m thankful for” blog. I don’t even want to tell you what I’m thankful for. I don’t want to be one more person who is writing about all the great things they thank God for. I feel like it’s this huge cliché and I don’t want to fall into that. (Not to say that there is anything wrong with being thankful and telling people that… I think it’s great to remember that… but I honestly get tired of seeing a hundred Facebook statuses that say the same thing.)
So then, what do I write about? The original Thanksgiving? Well that was a day about celebrating the friendship between the early Americans and the Natives. It’s about two completely different groups of people who were able to come together and learn from each other. So what are we doing to truly celebrate this Thanksgiving? Are we taking the time to go out of our way to be a friend to the friendless? Or are we opposed to the types of people that are different than us? Are we building relationships with those that are different and can teach us something new? Or are we stuck in our old way of doing things unwilling to change or do things differently?
Well I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be stuck in my normal little way of doing things totally opposed to outside views and perspectives. I want to learn from people that are different than me and have experienced interesting things in their lifetime. I’m reminded of the movie “Eat Pray Love” where the main character goes on a soul searching adventure across the continents. I believe she went to India to some type of monastery thing where the people would meditate and do other things like that. She learned much about herself, life, and people while she was there. It just sounds so appealing. I’m not saying I’m going to go meditate with a bunch of monks or anything, but just the thought of going away and learning from another culture, from other experiences just sounds like an attractive idea.
So with all that said, I’m hoping to go on a soul searching adventure this coming year. I’m taking a break from school because I have no desire to be there and don’t really feel like I need to be either. I’m planning on looking for a full time job and what not… but if I could do whatever I wanted to, I would go across the country, exploring, meeting people, learning from people’s lives and whatever else crosses my path. Realistically, I’m probably going to take the first month or two delving into my art and poetry, hopefully read some good books, and spending lots of time with the Lord. I need to figure out what my life holds in the coming months and years… So maybe after I do that I’ll find a job and then once I make some money I’ll travel the country! Haha who knows. I just want to go on adventures. I want to see the Redwoods. I want to see places that I visited as a child but can’t really remember. I want to visit my grandparents in Colorado. I want to go to a state I’ve never been. I want to go to Seattle again. And then maybe when all that’s done, I’ll end up in Portland. Sounds lovely…
Anyway, this blog kinda took a different turn… but I like it. I meant to post this last night after getting home from my aunt's but we got home later than I expected... so I didn't end up finishing it. Anyway.... I'm done now. Happy Thanksgiving a day late. Now on to watch Christmas movies all day and whatever else....
Anyway, this blog kinda took a different turn… but I like it. I meant to post this last night after getting home from my aunt's but we got home later than I expected... so I didn't end up finishing it. Anyway.... I'm done now. Happy Thanksgiving a day late. Now on to watch Christmas movies all day and whatever else....
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Jumbled Thoughts
This might not sound jumbled... but it is in my head, so here is my attempt to briefly sort things out a little bit. Perhaps I will add more later...
I realized a few things today. Some things about faith and hope. Some things about myself. I hate when someone gives really good advice and you know they are right but it's so hard to really buckle down and make a change.
The verse below from Isaiah is taped on the wall next to my desk at work. I'm pretty sure it's been up since before I began working here. I read it often but today it was pointed out by a friend, because it was pretty relevant to my situation.
"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is stayed on you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for in YAH, the Lord,
is everlasting strength
Isaiah 26:3,4
Perfect peace.
(another version says)Steadfast minds.
Trust in the Lord.
Everlasting strength.
These all sound too appealing. I told my friend that my issue is not because of my situation but it is my mind that is allowing things to be the way they are, often intentionally making things worse. And he pointed out the verse on my wall. He will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is stayed on him...
Something to think about, yes?
Also I love this bit from Philippians 4...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
There is too much good stuff in God's word... I just need to take the time to find it.
I realized a few things today. Some things about faith and hope. Some things about myself. I hate when someone gives really good advice and you know they are right but it's so hard to really buckle down and make a change.
The verse below from Isaiah is taped on the wall next to my desk at work. I'm pretty sure it's been up since before I began working here. I read it often but today it was pointed out by a friend, because it was pretty relevant to my situation.
"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is stayed on you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for in YAH, the Lord,
is everlasting strength
Isaiah 26:3,4
Perfect peace.
(another version says)Steadfast minds.
Trust in the Lord.
Everlasting strength.
These all sound too appealing. I told my friend that my issue is not because of my situation but it is my mind that is allowing things to be the way they are, often intentionally making things worse. And he pointed out the verse on my wall. He will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is stayed on him...
Something to think about, yes?
Also I love this bit from Philippians 4...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
There is too much good stuff in God's word... I just need to take the time to find it.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Green as the Sea
From My Lady Chance:
There is a green stone at her breast
In her eyes no man finds rest,
Only discontent and strife.
Stormy and wild is her heart beat.
The price of her kiss is all of life;
But her kissing mouth is sweet;
Her scornful eyes are green as the sea
And she has laid her hand on me.
-Mary Carolyn Davies
There is a green stone at her breast
In her eyes no man finds rest,
Only discontent and strife.
Stormy and wild is her heart beat.
The price of her kiss is all of life;
But her kissing mouth is sweet;
Her scornful eyes are green as the sea
And she has laid her hand on me.
-Mary Carolyn Davies
In His Eyes Are A Thousand Stars
We are stars colliding
Now we crash
Like lightening into love
In his arms
I'm unwinding
Under his kiss
I'm falling into love
A New World
I hate constructive criticism but I kinda want some...
11/21/11
eyes closed on the brink of unconsciousness
new worlds begin to form behind closed eyelids
trees towers and flowers sprout from the ground
a stream trickles into existence as i set my eyes upon it
flowing softly but constant, never ceasing
my internal camera snaps shots involuntarily
the photographer in me never sleeps
always at work rushing to get the picture perfect
in print and in speech
i wander through this new place
discovering all that i have subconsciously created
entranced in one moment and surprised in the next
so much beauty and mystery weaved together into this strange world
but there also seems to be elements of sadness and captivity
this world i have created is lovely but something seems amiss
i smell no freedom and joy on the air
instead i am overcome by a sense of fearful loneliness
how can i feel so terribly afraid in such a dazzling world?
this place i've created is turning against me
no longer a place of escape but one that is trapping me in
stuck beneath this now starry sky
i lay down on my back in the middle of a grassy field
eyes closed but now seeing through the facade of this fake world
it is meaningless and brings me no true escape
11/21/11
eyes closed on the brink of unconsciousness
new worlds begin to form behind closed eyelids
trees towers and flowers sprout from the ground
a stream trickles into existence as i set my eyes upon it
flowing softly but constant, never ceasing
my internal camera snaps shots involuntarily
the photographer in me never sleeps
always at work rushing to get the picture perfect
in print and in speech
i wander through this new place
discovering all that i have subconsciously created
entranced in one moment and surprised in the next
so much beauty and mystery weaved together into this strange world
but there also seems to be elements of sadness and captivity
this world i have created is lovely but something seems amiss
i smell no freedom and joy on the air
instead i am overcome by a sense of fearful loneliness
how can i feel so terribly afraid in such a dazzling world?
this place i've created is turning against me
no longer a place of escape but one that is trapping me in
stuck beneath this now starry sky
i lay down on my back in the middle of a grassy field
eyes closed but now seeing through the facade of this fake world
it is meaningless and brings me no true escape
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Lovely
Wrote this the other night after I got off work. I had missed the sunset but the colors after it were just as great.... it was wonderful. Not sure if I like this a whole lot but it's whatever.
11/17/11
pale sandy colors of the evening sky drench the air with sweetness
the cold reaches inside my jacket stealing away all the warmth from my body
I stare out from the spot, eyes dazzling as they reflect the beauty I see before me
I shiver in the cold but I care not, for the painting on display is worth my temporary discomfort
the masterpiece I gaze at creates a heat inside my chest, burning to be released
my half smile becomes a grin as stars begin appearing, shining brightly without reservation
my brain can't help but marvel at the complexities of life and creation and the splendor that we see before us each day
it just goes to show how beautiful our creator is
11/17/11
pale sandy colors of the evening sky drench the air with sweetness
the cold reaches inside my jacket stealing away all the warmth from my body
I stare out from the spot, eyes dazzling as they reflect the beauty I see before me
I shiver in the cold but I care not, for the painting on display is worth my temporary discomfort
the masterpiece I gaze at creates a heat inside my chest, burning to be released
my half smile becomes a grin as stars begin appearing, shining brightly without reservation
my brain can't help but marvel at the complexities of life and creation and the splendor that we see before us each day
it just goes to show how beautiful our creator is
Friday, November 18, 2011
Refreshed
What a delightfully glorious day sent from the Lord.
I had a lovely breakfast conversation with Rachael, Esther, and a couple others who I can't remember. I also don't quite remember the topic of conversation. But I remember that it was enjoyable.
After breakfast I went to a practice room with Pat and sang some random songs with him as he played piano. Lovely time.
Then it was time to go to English class, where Tim and I ended up window shopping online...like we often do...
After class I had a bit of time so I decided to actually get ready for the day(makeup, look cute, etc, whatever.) with Moriya and Summer. Summer convinced me to wear heels, so I've been wearing my lovely little wedges all day long. Woo!
I then headed to the loop for a date with my RA Megan. It was our first time hanging out officially and it was a wonderful time chatting with her and sharing a bit about me and getting her perspective on things.
I had my last scheduled mentor date with Elizabeth so we ate lunch in the caf. Talked about life and what's been going on and later were joined by Nizi and Erika, who brought much laughter to the table.
As if I didn't eat enough at lunch, my mom picked me up and we headed to Sam's Club to try out their holiday samples. Walked around trying all the delicious food and spying on fun, cute, and easy Christmas presents for people.
My day only got better when my best friend Melissa asked if I was free in the afternoon. She came over to the school to pick me up and get coffee and had a surprise to show me. She finally bought her own 66 Mustang!! Dang I was so happy for her I started crying. She's wanted a mustang for years. I'm so proud of her! We headed to Starbucks and enjoyed peppermint mochas(she had a white chocolate peppermint mocha, which fyi is way better than the regular one). Then we "cruised" around for a while, went to my house randomly and showed my parents. Then hit up Walgreens and showed Alex.
She dropped me off at school and I ate dinner with Lindsey, and headed to Rachael and Esther's room to say hi. They weren't there so I decided to leave them random notes all over their room. Great fun.
To end the lovely day, I went to the library along with my fellow poets to enjoy a night of beautiful inspirations spoken aloud. What a wonderful time. I ended up sharing something I wrote at the beginning of the year and it went fairly well. I'm glad I did it. After that I sat on the couch talking to Whitney and Rachel for a while about life, stories, relationships, Jesus, and other wonderful things. A lovely time learning from two great ladies who have much wisdom and experience. I will take that conversation to heart.
Now I have gotten to the point, where I just need to be alone. I don't want to listen to anyone else talk. I don't want to entertain anyone or make conversation. I want to just be. And that's what I plan on doing.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have such a wonderful day, filled with friends, love, laughter, beauty, and fun. And thank you for showing me that it is ok to stop and take time for myself. I love the way you created me. I can be tired from a splendidly busy day like today, but still am able to feel refreshed just by being alone with you. You are so good, so so good to me.
I had a lovely breakfast conversation with Rachael, Esther, and a couple others who I can't remember. I also don't quite remember the topic of conversation. But I remember that it was enjoyable.
After breakfast I went to a practice room with Pat and sang some random songs with him as he played piano. Lovely time.
Then it was time to go to English class, where Tim and I ended up window shopping online...like we often do...
After class I had a bit of time so I decided to actually get ready for the day(makeup, look cute, etc, whatever.) with Moriya and Summer. Summer convinced me to wear heels, so I've been wearing my lovely little wedges all day long. Woo!
I then headed to the loop for a date with my RA Megan. It was our first time hanging out officially and it was a wonderful time chatting with her and sharing a bit about me and getting her perspective on things.
I had my last scheduled mentor date with Elizabeth so we ate lunch in the caf. Talked about life and what's been going on and later were joined by Nizi and Erika, who brought much laughter to the table.
As if I didn't eat enough at lunch, my mom picked me up and we headed to Sam's Club to try out their holiday samples. Walked around trying all the delicious food and spying on fun, cute, and easy Christmas presents for people.
My day only got better when my best friend Melissa asked if I was free in the afternoon. She came over to the school to pick me up and get coffee and had a surprise to show me. She finally bought her own 66 Mustang!! Dang I was so happy for her I started crying. She's wanted a mustang for years. I'm so proud of her! We headed to Starbucks and enjoyed peppermint mochas(she had a white chocolate peppermint mocha, which fyi is way better than the regular one). Then we "cruised" around for a while, went to my house randomly and showed my parents. Then hit up Walgreens and showed Alex.
She dropped me off at school and I ate dinner with Lindsey, and headed to Rachael and Esther's room to say hi. They weren't there so I decided to leave them random notes all over their room. Great fun.
To end the lovely day, I went to the library along with my fellow poets to enjoy a night of beautiful inspirations spoken aloud. What a wonderful time. I ended up sharing something I wrote at the beginning of the year and it went fairly well. I'm glad I did it. After that I sat on the couch talking to Whitney and Rachel for a while about life, stories, relationships, Jesus, and other wonderful things. A lovely time learning from two great ladies who have much wisdom and experience. I will take that conversation to heart.
Now I have gotten to the point, where I just need to be alone. I don't want to listen to anyone else talk. I don't want to entertain anyone or make conversation. I want to just be. And that's what I plan on doing.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have such a wonderful day, filled with friends, love, laughter, beauty, and fun. And thank you for showing me that it is ok to stop and take time for myself. I love the way you created me. I can be tired from a splendidly busy day like today, but still am able to feel refreshed just by being alone with you. You are so good, so so good to me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Flowers and Grace
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Hooray for Mumford and Sons.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Hooray for Mumford and Sons.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
INFP
This is so me....
Portrait of an INFP - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves
INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.
INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.
INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".
When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.
INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.
INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.
INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.
INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking
Portrait of an INFP - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)
The Idealist
As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves
INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.
INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.
INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".
When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.
INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.
INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.
INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.
INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Unseen Love That Never Dies
we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes
music box-thrice
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes
music box-thrice
Sunday, October 30, 2011
A Sure Tragedy
"I didn't want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn't want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if. A chance of hope is no pacifier against a sure tragedy."
--Donald Miller
This quote is too true.
--Donald Miller
This quote is too true.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Peace Please
I wrote this earlier today... not sure how I feel about it now.
Kinda just ranting a teeny bit or something.
I could use some of the Lord's peace right now.
Yes please.
Yes please.
10/13/11
I refrain
From speaking
Aloud
Simple words
My own thoughts
Betray me
Not sure
What I want
Stop
Just stop
Bring peace
Bring peace
Bring comfort
Bring stability
Bring peace inside this chaotic thing called me
But who am I?
Who is the “me” that I speak of?
Do I really know her?
Does she really know me?
There’s a constant sense of urgency
Anxiety dwells there as well
Mind going all the time
I just want your peace to consume me
Until I feel nothing but you
And your never ending love
Intimacy with God
Donald Miller is a genius. Here is his latest Blog post.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/10/11/intimacy-with-god-comes-when-we-accept-his-kindness/
Or you can just read it below...
Each work morning I read a bit of the Bible. I don’t study it, I just read it. It’s my morning coffee and conversation with a power greater than myself. It centers me and without it I think I’d be distracted at work, distracted by a bunch of stuff that doesn’t matter. This morning I was reading through Psalm 7. There’s a humble thought in the Psalm where David asks God to “trample his life to the ground and lay his soul in the dust” if he has ever screwed over a friend or an ally.
David was a dramatic guy. He was a passionate leader, or at least a passionate writer (something tells me he was a bit more sober in person as passion inspires but leadership needs to be measured). Regardless, the thought occurred to me that we often need to pray against ourselves.
I was taking communion a few weeks ago in Nashville, at one of my favorite churches. My friend Jim Chaffee happened to be delivering communion that day and as I stood in line to go forward, I prayed about what to pray. Literally, I asked God what He wanted me to say to Him as I took communion. I don’t normally do this, but I thought it would be a fun way to connect with God, to just talk to Him during the process as opposed to only remembering Him.
Anyway, what came to my mind was just a simple phrase: “Christ, defeat me with your goodness.” I liked the phrase because it meant God was good and I was not, and yet He would not defeat me with His anger or His wrath, but His kindness, His grace and His goodness. I like to think the phrase came from God, but that’s not provable. We do know God’s kindness brings us to repentance, though.
Another truth in that statement is there are very real desires in me and real ambitions that are not good. Some of the actions that stem from my personality are selfish, and damaging to others. They are manipulative and lack truth and so stifle relationships. These characteristics must be defeated because God wants His family to be close, and so each of us must be defeated by God, by God’s kindness. His kindness endears me to a personal commitment to tell the truth, into the thrill and humiliation and generosity of that very risky place where we walk into the world saying “I’m not too much and I’m not too little but this is who I am” and also that “there but for the grace of God go I.”
So here we are, temporary beings, with little to do but navigate our days in truth and humility. Perhaps it not the bigness of our personalities, but our smallness, our selves being defeated that will change the little bit of world God has appointed to us for caretaking. We connect with God when we ask Him to defeat in us all the ways in which He cannot connect, all the untruth and games and manipulation and we come to Him finally saying, okay, I get it, you really are good, defeat in me the lack of faith, let your goodness rid me of the stuff that doesn’t connect with you or the world around me.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/10/11/intimacy-with-god-comes-when-we-accept-his-kindness/
Or you can just read it below...
Each work morning I read a bit of the Bible. I don’t study it, I just read it. It’s my morning coffee and conversation with a power greater than myself. It centers me and without it I think I’d be distracted at work, distracted by a bunch of stuff that doesn’t matter. This morning I was reading through Psalm 7. There’s a humble thought in the Psalm where David asks God to “trample his life to the ground and lay his soul in the dust” if he has ever screwed over a friend or an ally.
David was a dramatic guy. He was a passionate leader, or at least a passionate writer (something tells me he was a bit more sober in person as passion inspires but leadership needs to be measured). Regardless, the thought occurred to me that we often need to pray against ourselves.
I was taking communion a few weeks ago in Nashville, at one of my favorite churches. My friend Jim Chaffee happened to be delivering communion that day and as I stood in line to go forward, I prayed about what to pray. Literally, I asked God what He wanted me to say to Him as I took communion. I don’t normally do this, but I thought it would be a fun way to connect with God, to just talk to Him during the process as opposed to only remembering Him.
Anyway, what came to my mind was just a simple phrase: “Christ, defeat me with your goodness.” I liked the phrase because it meant God was good and I was not, and yet He would not defeat me with His anger or His wrath, but His kindness, His grace and His goodness. I like to think the phrase came from God, but that’s not provable. We do know God’s kindness brings us to repentance, though.
Another truth in that statement is there are very real desires in me and real ambitions that are not good. Some of the actions that stem from my personality are selfish, and damaging to others. They are manipulative and lack truth and so stifle relationships. These characteristics must be defeated because God wants His family to be close, and so each of us must be defeated by God, by God’s kindness. His kindness endears me to a personal commitment to tell the truth, into the thrill and humiliation and generosity of that very risky place where we walk into the world saying “I’m not too much and I’m not too little but this is who I am” and also that “there but for the grace of God go I.”
So here we are, temporary beings, with little to do but navigate our days in truth and humility. Perhaps it not the bigness of our personalities, but our smallness, our selves being defeated that will change the little bit of world God has appointed to us for caretaking. We connect with God when we ask Him to defeat in us all the ways in which He cannot connect, all the untruth and games and manipulation and we come to Him finally saying, okay, I get it, you really are good, defeat in me the lack of faith, let your goodness rid me of the stuff that doesn’t connect with you or the world around me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fools
I've been listening to She and Him radio on Pandora at work the last two days, and I can't get enough!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
You Really Got A Hold On Me
This song has been stuck in my head all day long... Hopefully this makes it stop Haha
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Fire Fall Down
...on us we pray.
The Holy Spirit fell and consumed us to our very cores
Diminishing confusion, doubts, fears, and insecurities
Molding us more into his likeness
Giving us passion and endurance to keep following after him
We will run after you!
From behind, Karen placed her hands on my shoulders and began to pray. The first sentence out of her mouth, "Lord I pray against any doubt and fear in this young woman's life..." Earlier that morning, I asked my friend Lindsey if she could pray for me. Doubt and fear were the two issues I addressed and low and behold, God made this known to Karen, a woman I have never spoken to before. As soon as those words escaped her lips, I was caught up and brought to tears. She spoke encouragement into my life, praying that I would know my worth and the calling God has given me. I stood there, tears running down my face knowing that God was present and he was speaking to people about me and using them to minister to my life.
My girlfriend Rebecca stood next to me and rubbed my back. Over and over again, not stopping for probably half an hour. Somewhere in there my girl Liz came over and placed her hand on my shoulder and started praying for me. She prayed against doubt and that I would know the fullness of Christ's love for me. I can't remember a lot of what she said but I know that she was speaking to our God on my behalf and that she is so precious to me. Jose came over and laid his hands on me, praying that God's fire would fall on me and that his Holy Spirit would come. More, more, more. Then he began to pray love, love, love. And I broke. I needed to feel the awesome love from my savior, and I did! I became consumed by his love and knew then that nothing else mattered. No relationship I've been in or will be in can ever include a love like the love my God has for me. I knew this and instantly felt a sense of freedom. I had this reassurance that God loved me and I no longer cared if I had a significant other to feel love from. (Sadly, this is always mulling around in my brain... and I crave the love of another human being so much... but it's no longer that important to me, which I would say is some great progress! haha) Anyway.... God showed his great love for me on Wednesday night, I was so consumed by it... It was amazing.
I could probably write more... but I don't feel like it at the moment.
The thing I love about this, is that it is so easy to ask people, "Hey what did God speak to you on Wednesday night?" They share a story of God's goodness and then I can return the favor. We need to be sharing all the great stuff(and not so fun stuff) that God is doing in our lives with each other. We can build each other up with how God is working, we just need to take the opportunities that he gives us.
The Holy Spirit fell and consumed us to our very cores
Diminishing confusion, doubts, fears, and insecurities
Molding us more into his likeness
Giving us passion and endurance to keep following after him
We will run after you!
From behind, Karen placed her hands on my shoulders and began to pray. The first sentence out of her mouth, "Lord I pray against any doubt and fear in this young woman's life..." Earlier that morning, I asked my friend Lindsey if she could pray for me. Doubt and fear were the two issues I addressed and low and behold, God made this known to Karen, a woman I have never spoken to before. As soon as those words escaped her lips, I was caught up and brought to tears. She spoke encouragement into my life, praying that I would know my worth and the calling God has given me. I stood there, tears running down my face knowing that God was present and he was speaking to people about me and using them to minister to my life.
My girlfriend Rebecca stood next to me and rubbed my back. Over and over again, not stopping for probably half an hour. Somewhere in there my girl Liz came over and placed her hand on my shoulder and started praying for me. She prayed against doubt and that I would know the fullness of Christ's love for me. I can't remember a lot of what she said but I know that she was speaking to our God on my behalf and that she is so precious to me. Jose came over and laid his hands on me, praying that God's fire would fall on me and that his Holy Spirit would come. More, more, more. Then he began to pray love, love, love. And I broke. I needed to feel the awesome love from my savior, and I did! I became consumed by his love and knew then that nothing else mattered. No relationship I've been in or will be in can ever include a love like the love my God has for me. I knew this and instantly felt a sense of freedom. I had this reassurance that God loved me and I no longer cared if I had a significant other to feel love from. (Sadly, this is always mulling around in my brain... and I crave the love of another human being so much... but it's no longer that important to me, which I would say is some great progress! haha) Anyway.... God showed his great love for me on Wednesday night, I was so consumed by it... It was amazing.
I could probably write more... but I don't feel like it at the moment.
The thing I love about this, is that it is so easy to ask people, "Hey what did God speak to you on Wednesday night?" They share a story of God's goodness and then I can return the favor. We need to be sharing all the great stuff(and not so fun stuff) that God is doing in our lives with each other. We can build each other up with how God is working, we just need to take the opportunities that he gives us.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Simple
What a lovely night it has been. Bekah read three awesome stories she wrote last year, Kristina and I watched Brady Bunch, and Hannah and I talked about things in a magazine and my greek quiz. Simple things but so much fun.
We also started writing a story together about an enchanted forest, complete with magic, an old hag, and a beautiful couple. It's going to be awesome.
I think I needed tonight. A simple night to just kick it with my girlies(they're not my girlfriends, I was babysitting, but they are on the older side) and not worry about anything. I needed to have fun writing a crazy story that probably won't end up making any sense and spending time with the girls. I put them to bed and prayed with them, something that I always forget we used to do as kids. We ate chocolate pudding, and giggled while we came up with elements to add to our fantastical story.
The life of a child is so simple and easy. I was thinking about what changes, what causes kids to grow up and start caring what other people think and act based on those things. And I came to the conclusion that it is puberty. That, and Junior High. Makes sense right? But I wish it didn't. I wish we could have these carefree attitudes, totally excited about little things that we think are awesome, and not afraid to share it with anyone that will listen. Why must we suppress these things and ignore them?
I hate this. Lately, I've been wishing life was simpler. But the life an adult is never simple it seems.
I'm not satisfied with this post... but o well. I'm running on barely any sleep and a long full day. This'll have to do....
We also started writing a story together about an enchanted forest, complete with magic, an old hag, and a beautiful couple. It's going to be awesome.
I think I needed tonight. A simple night to just kick it with my girlies(they're not my girlfriends, I was babysitting, but they are on the older side) and not worry about anything. I needed to have fun writing a crazy story that probably won't end up making any sense and spending time with the girls. I put them to bed and prayed with them, something that I always forget we used to do as kids. We ate chocolate pudding, and giggled while we came up with elements to add to our fantastical story.
The life of a child is so simple and easy. I was thinking about what changes, what causes kids to grow up and start caring what other people think and act based on those things. And I came to the conclusion that it is puberty. That, and Junior High. Makes sense right? But I wish it didn't. I wish we could have these carefree attitudes, totally excited about little things that we think are awesome, and not afraid to share it with anyone that will listen. Why must we suppress these things and ignore them?
I hate this. Lately, I've been wishing life was simpler. But the life an adult is never simple it seems.
I'm not satisfied with this post... but o well. I'm running on barely any sleep and a long full day. This'll have to do....
In My Love
Needed this today, enjoy:
I have looked you in the eyes
I have seen the tears you cried
I have heard you question why you are here
There is a reason, there’s a plan
There is a God Who understands
He’s got your life inside His hands
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
I know this road is deep
And I know you’re tired and weak
But the God of perfect peace is right here
He is the shelter from the storm
He is the rock forth and secure
He is hope forever more
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
When everything seems out of control
I’m holding on, I won’t let go
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
There is hope tonight
There is everlasting life
Dry away your tears
Coz tomorrow is on the rise
Love will never fail
He will never fail
He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
When everything seems out of control
I’m holding on, I won’t let go
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
In my love
In my love
I have looked you in the eyes
I have seen the tears you cried
I have heard you question why you are here
There is a reason, there’s a plan
There is a God Who understands
He’s got your life inside His hands
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
I know this road is deep
And I know you’re tired and weak
But the God of perfect peace is right here
He is the shelter from the storm
He is the rock forth and secure
He is hope forever more
Have no fear
Cuz He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
When everything seems out of control
I’m holding on, I won’t let go
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
There is hope tonight
There is everlasting life
Dry away your tears
Coz tomorrow is on the rise
Love will never fail
He will never fail
He says
In all your hurt and in all your pain
I’ll never leave, I won’t forsake
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
When everything seems out of control
I’m holding on, I won’t let go
You’re my child and I’m your God
Come and rest in my love
In my love
In my love
Monday, September 26, 2011
A Dream
I found this on stumbleupon today.
I love him.
A DREAM
Edgar Allan Poe, 1827In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?
That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.
What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?
Falling Slowly
I've been singing this a lot lately with random friends and it's always stuck in my head.
Love it!
Love it!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Nothings
So I've realized that when I get home from a long day of work or school, I don't want anyone to bother me. I don't want you to ask me how my day was or what I did. I need time to relax and chill out from the day. I need to be alone and undisturbed. Then we can talk.
No later than two minutes after I had written the above, my best friend called me to catch up. One of the first things she said was "How was work?" I had to laugh at the irony. But I turned it on her and said she should go first. (I got out of answering the question too haha) Anyway, I just think it's funny.
I miss my best friend.
I'm listening to a Snow Patrol CD that I haven't listened to since last summer.
I'm trying to decide whether I should a) read the new Dekker book I've had sitting around for the last two weeks, b) read/listen to Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa CD, or c) finish a painting I started two nights ago... or the smart answer would be to go to sleep.
I haven't been doing the smart answers lately. And I'm probably gunna end up running myself into the ground with it ending in a fit of tears and exhaustion. You'd think I would make different decisions knowing that I know that is probably what is coming. But I don't.
Dumb.
No later than two minutes after I had written the above, my best friend called me to catch up. One of the first things she said was "How was work?" I had to laugh at the irony. But I turned it on her and said she should go first. (I got out of answering the question too haha) Anyway, I just think it's funny.
I miss my best friend.
I'm listening to a Snow Patrol CD that I haven't listened to since last summer.
I'm trying to decide whether I should a) read the new Dekker book I've had sitting around for the last two weeks, b) read/listen to Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa CD, or c) finish a painting I started two nights ago... or the smart answer would be to go to sleep.
I haven't been doing the smart answers lately. And I'm probably gunna end up running myself into the ground with it ending in a fit of tears and exhaustion. You'd think I would make different decisions knowing that I know that is probably what is coming. But I don't.
Dumb.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Fall Day At Its Best
Not sure if it's complete yet, but here goes:
Sweet cinnamon spices drift from the hot oven as it heats up my small home. Knowing I have time before my cake is done baking, I grab my coat and slip on my boots ready to take in the autumn weather on a short walk. Soon after I exit the front door and shut it behind me, a strong breeze flies by leaving my hair flapping wildly. I immediately wish I had thought of bringing my hat but quickly decide that I like the freedom of the wind blowing through my dirty blonde tresses. The air feels cool and crisp like the first apple of the season. I breathe slow and deep, taking it all in. I walk next to the curb letting my feet crunch the fallen leaves and I am taken back to my childhood. Back to those fall days where we would get up on Saturday mornings and go for a walk, looking for the prettiest of leaves to save for table decorations. We would get bundled up and skip through the piles of leaves lining the sidewalks. Giggling and kicking the brown crunchy ones up at each other. Oh to be carefree like the child I once was. I am brought back to the present as I feel large drops of rain kiss my hair and face. I smile as I stare up at the overcast sky, overjoyed by the perfection of the day. I glance at my watch and realize my timer is probably going off right about now. Where did the time go? I pick up the pace and turn in the direction of my house, excited to get out from the cold and into the warmth of the place I call home.
Sweet cinnamon spices drift from the hot oven as it heats up my small home. Knowing I have time before my cake is done baking, I grab my coat and slip on my boots ready to take in the autumn weather on a short walk. Soon after I exit the front door and shut it behind me, a strong breeze flies by leaving my hair flapping wildly. I immediately wish I had thought of bringing my hat but quickly decide that I like the freedom of the wind blowing through my dirty blonde tresses. The air feels cool and crisp like the first apple of the season. I breathe slow and deep, taking it all in. I walk next to the curb letting my feet crunch the fallen leaves and I am taken back to my childhood. Back to those fall days where we would get up on Saturday mornings and go for a walk, looking for the prettiest of leaves to save for table decorations. We would get bundled up and skip through the piles of leaves lining the sidewalks. Giggling and kicking the brown crunchy ones up at each other. Oh to be carefree like the child I once was. I am brought back to the present as I feel large drops of rain kiss my hair and face. I smile as I stare up at the overcast sky, overjoyed by the perfection of the day. I glance at my watch and realize my timer is probably going off right about now. Where did the time go? I pick up the pace and turn in the direction of my house, excited to get out from the cold and into the warmth of the place I call home.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The End
I was walking along the street and turned my face toward the heavens. The sky was suddenly drained of its vibrant blue hue and bled into a crimson red. The sun was shining hot and bright. I instantly fell flat on my face. I knew not why, but that is the posture I had to take. Somehow I also knew that this was all of mankind's posture at that same moment. Everywhere people were falling on their faces before our creator.
As soon as I bowed low, I heard my God speak to me directly and personally. His voice was strong, clear and full of vigor, but still gentle. Right then, I became completely awestruck by my Lord. He had created me, this worthless little human and yet he still loved me so deeply. The life I lived here on earth was important but it was nothing compared to what would be happening soon. He was so great and mighty, I couldn't quite comprehend. I became overwhelmed and began to cry as my heart was filled with gratitude and a bit of fear as I knew what was coming next. I would soon be brought back to my past failures, regrets, and shortcomings. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew God's grace would cover me.
And then I woke up.
As soon as I bowed low, I heard my God speak to me directly and personally. His voice was strong, clear and full of vigor, but still gentle. Right then, I became completely awestruck by my Lord. He had created me, this worthless little human and yet he still loved me so deeply. The life I lived here on earth was important but it was nothing compared to what would be happening soon. He was so great and mighty, I couldn't quite comprehend. I became overwhelmed and began to cry as my heart was filled with gratitude and a bit of fear as I knew what was coming next. I would soon be brought back to my past failures, regrets, and shortcomings. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew God's grace would cover me.
And then I woke up.
Orange Juice
So for the longest time I never drank orange juice because I don't like oranges. Therefore, the juice would be yucky right? Well when we were in Kenya, they packed us sack lunches that always included juice and more often than not it was OJ. I was normally super thirsty and probably tired of drinking only water so I would drink those tiny orange juice juiceboxes like there was no tomorrow. That time in Kenya was the ONLY time I've had orange juice, ever. Until this morning.
I helped with the youth group at my church this morning and we had pancakes(it went along with the lesson...) Two of us leaders were supposed to act really hungry and really thirsty(I was the thirsty one) but the lady speaking, Heidi, wasn't going to give us what we wanted. She served everyone pancakes and made me serve the juice, but we couldn't get what we wanted. Eventually she felt generous and served us up and connected it to the verse that says (rough paraphrase) "When I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. When I was an outsider, you brought me in." As I finally was given something to drink(I had actually become quite thirsty from the pancakes so it was no longer acting haha) I had orange juice. And the last and only time I had it was in Kenya. What a weird feeling. For those of you who drink OJ nearly every morning you probably think I'm crazy. But for me it took me back to those times of eating peanut butter and nutella sandwiches in the hot bus in the middle of Maasailand, or eating three apples in an empty lot in the middle of a slum as children climbed up the side of the bus, to eating potato crisps (chips) in a large room surrounded by orphans eating only a small plate of beans, and lastly to a time of watching baboons steal my friends lunch as I was sitting in the safety of our bus.
It was weird being brought back to it all again so suddenly. I didn't even think of the fact that I was drinking OJ until I took that first sip and thought I should be sitting inside the bus with the windows down as I stared out at muddy streets full of people who filled me with so much compassion and love.
All from a tiny glass of orange juice.
I helped with the youth group at my church this morning and we had pancakes(it went along with the lesson...) Two of us leaders were supposed to act really hungry and really thirsty(I was the thirsty one) but the lady speaking, Heidi, wasn't going to give us what we wanted. She served everyone pancakes and made me serve the juice, but we couldn't get what we wanted. Eventually she felt generous and served us up and connected it to the verse that says (rough paraphrase) "When I was hungry, you fed me. When I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. When I was an outsider, you brought me in." As I finally was given something to drink(I had actually become quite thirsty from the pancakes so it was no longer acting haha) I had orange juice. And the last and only time I had it was in Kenya. What a weird feeling. For those of you who drink OJ nearly every morning you probably think I'm crazy. But for me it took me back to those times of eating peanut butter and nutella sandwiches in the hot bus in the middle of Maasailand, or eating three apples in an empty lot in the middle of a slum as children climbed up the side of the bus, to eating potato crisps (chips) in a large room surrounded by orphans eating only a small plate of beans, and lastly to a time of watching baboons steal my friends lunch as I was sitting in the safety of our bus.
It was weird being brought back to it all again so suddenly. I didn't even think of the fact that I was drinking OJ until I took that first sip and thought I should be sitting inside the bus with the windows down as I stared out at muddy streets full of people who filled me with so much compassion and love.
All from a tiny glass of orange juice.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Spirit Fall
I first got this Living Sacrifice CD back in Junior high when I started going through my hardcore metal stage. I listened to it quite a bit and then it sorta just disappeared. A few years later I was going through crap and found it again. I listened to it and it was just amazing. Here I am again, pulling it out after not listening to it for close to a year. It never gets old.
Great song...
Spirit fall on this land,
Convicting power cleansing man
Reveal your truth to blind eyes,
Rip the scales from their sight
Holy Spirit be thee praised
Arise, be made new
In the fullness of His truth
Repent and believe by His power
You'll be free
Anointing fall on this place,
Spirit of God
We give you praise,
We give you praise,
We give you praise,
We give you...
Great song...
Spirit fall on this land,
Convicting power cleansing man
Reveal your truth to blind eyes,
Rip the scales from their sight
Holy Spirit be thee praised
Arise, be made new
In the fullness of His truth
Repent and believe by His power
You'll be free
Anointing fall on this place,
Spirit of God
We give you praise,
We give you praise,
We give you praise,
We give you...
Make It Stop.
Sometimes I get in these fits where my mind is in this creative mode and my thoughts just keep moving, spinning, morphing, etc. It freaks me out sometimes. I become exhausted and hot and I want it to all just stop. Words run around in my head begging me to figure out a way to write them down well. Colors swirl, shifting shapes, changing pictures, everything. It doesn't stop it's hard sometimes to just sit and be chill when this happens. I want so badly for my mind to chill out and just relax but it's going a million miles an hour with creative flow. Which is cool I guess, but not when you have no idea what do with it all or when you have other crap to do that is more important. But maybe it really is more important to take care of the creative juices flowing around.
Gahhh
Make it stop.
Gahhh
Make it stop.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Beauty
Full.
Sin.
Full.
Wonder.
Full.
what a gracious God
his love abounds
reaching out to where I have retreated
his love never fails
no conditions
just pure love
covering my scars
drying my tears
healing my heart
giving me hope
showing me joy
and bringing me peace
Sin.
Full.
Wonder.
Full.
what a gracious God
his love abounds
reaching out to where I have retreated
his love never fails
no conditions
just pure love
covering my scars
drying my tears
healing my heart
giving me hope
showing me joy
and bringing me peace
I'm Not Alright
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-Sanctus Real
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...
I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you
-Sanctus Real
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Yes
9/3/11
Thoughts spill into parted lips
Can’t hold back
To strong
Explosions in my mind
Create elusive remnants
Of what I can’t be sure
Cravings surge through my limp body
Desires run amok as I lift my eyes to the stars
My heart sings songs I do not know
But are familiar none the less
Can’t stop moving
Beat pulsing through my veins
As music seeps into my soul
Embracing the empty spaces
Smiles creep up
Laughter released deep from my belly
Joy is displayed in the viewfinder before my eyes
I tumble through the stars as I lose my place
Nothing matters anymore
Just the pounding bass
Racing inspirations
Taking colorful form
Painting pictures I see in my minds eye
Plenty of canvas here
Empty white walls
Surrounding me as I dream
I throw colors against the wall
Blue green hues
Bright orange bursts
Splendor dazzling through the air
I spin in careless circles
Eyes head heart
Light
Dancing in bliss
Monday, August 29, 2011
Dear God, What Went Wrong?
Dear God, why should I think You're good in a world that's falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high, the endless enveloping dark
Now here we sit, drifting further from You, two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I've grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts
Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I've done is in spite of myself
I'm not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom
Dear God, what went wrong? We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way, and all You say is "love one another"
And little babies starve to death, emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
Junkies vomit in the streets, writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
Parents steal the innocence from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
And evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen
Friday, August 26, 2011
I Thought I posted This Thirty Minutes Ago...
Soo...
I haven't been being very nice to my body lately.
I went bowling Wednesday night after getting off work. Then I went to a friend's house and ate a bunch of ice cream and stayed up watching a movie. Then I worked the next day from 8 to 5. After work I ate dinner with my parents and then headed to a friend's house and hung out. Stayed up super late and crashed in her bed. Got up super early this morning(caught a beautiful sunrise :) ) and went back home to get ready for work. I walked out the door and headed to work. Here I am from eight to five again today. When I get home tonight, we're gunna turn around and go to a Dodgers game. And tomorrow is move in day/orientation and all that jazz. So I'll be at the school doing whatever starting at eight in the morning and probably going to late that night
Sunday, I'm planning on crashing.
I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll sleep on my lunch break.
I realized a lot about myself last night. I feel like the "real me" was showing herself. And regardless of what kind of person that is, I'm glad it happened cuz I saw what I'm really like deep down. And I realized how reserved I tend to be, how many comments, thoughts, feelings I normally hold back. And I guess it helped me to see what I need to work on. Also made me realize how often I try to act like I have everything together. When I totally don't. Oh if people only knew how messed up everyone really is.
I wish I had some paper last night to write stuff down. I probably could've gotten some sweet stuff. It probably would've been all over the place but good.
Ok time to do a project at work...
I really think I'm gunna sleep during my lunch break.
I haven't been being very nice to my body lately.
I went bowling Wednesday night after getting off work. Then I went to a friend's house and ate a bunch of ice cream and stayed up watching a movie. Then I worked the next day from 8 to 5. After work I ate dinner with my parents and then headed to a friend's house and hung out. Stayed up super late and crashed in her bed. Got up super early this morning(caught a beautiful sunrise :) ) and went back home to get ready for work. I walked out the door and headed to work. Here I am from eight to five again today. When I get home tonight, we're gunna turn around and go to a Dodgers game. And tomorrow is move in day/orientation and all that jazz. So I'll be at the school doing whatever starting at eight in the morning and probably going to late that night
Sunday, I'm planning on crashing.
I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll sleep on my lunch break.
I realized a lot about myself last night. I feel like the "real me" was showing herself. And regardless of what kind of person that is, I'm glad it happened cuz I saw what I'm really like deep down. And I realized how reserved I tend to be, how many comments, thoughts, feelings I normally hold back. And I guess it helped me to see what I need to work on. Also made me realize how often I try to act like I have everything together. When I totally don't. Oh if people only knew how messed up everyone really is.
I wish I had some paper last night to write stuff down. I probably could've gotten some sweet stuff. It probably would've been all over the place but good.
Ok time to do a project at work...
I really think I'm gunna sleep during my lunch break.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Blahh
I'm not sure why or how I get to this point.
It's kind of scary.
It makes me feel like I'll never be able to fall in love again.
I don't exactly feel like the following picture but hey, it's something to look at.
It's kind of scary.
It makes me feel like I'll never be able to fall in love again.
I don't exactly feel like the following picture but hey, it's something to look at.
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