Rant

I realized today that I just don't care. I feel horrible and far from God and I just don't care. WTJ? Sometimes I feel guilty when I tell people this. It's like I'm supposed to feel a certain way or something. They make me feel like it's super horrible that I feel like crap and am far from God and I just need to try harder. Well screw you, I don't want to try harder. I'm tired of trying to balance this whole thing. I never know when I need to focus on God, or myself, or others, or my issues, or other's issues or what. When I pray, I struggle with what to say because I have been told in so many sermons to first start out by praising God and then do this, then do this, etc. Well lately, I haven't felt like worshipping God because I'm so fed up with my life and the way I feel and I just want to curse him and tell him to make me feel better or just leave me alone. But then I feel guilty for focusing on my own crap and then try to pray for others but don't really try hard enough and then I just feel lousy because I'm not spending the time how I should. And then too often I end up falling asleep because I am so damn tired of all of this.

It bugs me that I've gotten to this point. To the point that when people pray for me and give me Godly advice, it ends up just getting on my nerves and I just want them to shut up.
And because of this ^ I really don't want anyone who reads this to come up to me and say hey how are you doing, let's talk about this, I'm praying for you, blah blah blah. I feel shitty enough as it is, I don't need your empty words to make it worse.



I want to delete this post... Because it's so raw and real and I don't want any of you to read it.
But it's the truth.