When I'm bored I often frequent websites that are great time wasters. One of them being stumbleupon. I've found some cool crap because of that website. One page I stumbled upon had cool pictures with questions that would get the viewer thinking. This particular blog is going to focus on two of those thought provoking questions.
1. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?
and
2. What's the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
One looks back, the other looks foward.
I get a feeling that this blog is going to be really hard for me. To figure out what to say, how to say it, and how to be truly honest with myself and the world.
Number one... the most defining moment... My first thought is Kenya and all the things I experienced and learned while there and even after returning home and how to go about living "regularly" again. But I wonder if there isn't some other moment from the past fifty-two weeks that can be seen as significant and life altering.
I recall a conversation I had recently, in the last two or three days. "I wonder if instead of forgiving people, you actually forget about the situation and put it behind you." (basic paraphrase) The old phrase "forgive and forget"... I always say that I am good at that. Or at least the forgiving part. I forgive and then I move on. But this person brought it to my attention that perhaps I'm not actually forgiving, but I'm accepting it as it is and forgetting it so I don't have to deal with it. This thought kinda freaked me out at first. And I guess if I'm honest, it still does. I think there is a lot of truth behind their observation of me. If I look back on certain situations, it is hard for me to remember certain things... I'm starting to realize that I block out negative circumstances/memories in order to move on and not truly deal with them.
If this is the case, I have some serious work to do! I can't go around "forgiving" people when really I am just choosing to forget what they did or said. If I really think about it, do I truly know what it means to forgive? I can look back on significant moments in the last few years and still feel a slight bitterness, sadness, or whatever else. Have I not truly forgiven? Some of this I thought I dealt with long ago. Part of me wonders if there is still work to be done. Ughh I hate this.
(Even as I finish this up, I feel as if there could be a few more defining moments in the last year... perhaps I shall write another blog about that later.)
So I guess this kind of leads me to question two... This is something I need to change in the next year. Or at least work on, or learn or something. I need to learn what it is to truly forgive and I need to learn how to STOP avoiding conflict. This scares the crap out of me. It's a conflict in itself. Conflicting the way I normally do things. Well this should be fun.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas Kenya
I've been lying in bed for the last forty-five minutes reminiscing about Kenya. I don't think I can get away with that and not write a blog about it. I'm not even sure what made me think of it... Maybe I wondered how people celebrated Christmas there, or if they even do. (I'm pretty sure they do) I wondered about the weather, remembering that it is summer for them(and basically for us too! haha)
I laid here and thought about the tiny little details, the small instances that occurred that I don't tend to think about when I think of that wonderful trip. I know I have probably shared some of these with you guys, but I'm hoping that some are new to your ears.... or rather your eyes haha
The morning Annie and I and the boys hung out on the patio in the foggy morning watching the birds swoop out of the sky and eat their breakfast of those flying bugs that were everywhere!
The bumpy bumpy bus rides to and from everywhere, including that time when our driver was brave enough to take us down a very narrow street in the Kibera slum. I was so scared.
The night we arrived in Kenya...I remember looking out the window of our plane and seeing lights spotting the landscape but it was a different kind of light. Somehow I could tell that it was not a city, but rather a slum. After traveling through customs we were picked up by Terry and Beto in our bus. It was dark and rainy and so so beautiful.
The security guards standing around in many places with their huge guns strapped across their chests...
The BEST chocolate crossiant thing I've ever had from Java House.
A young girl who had been given a piece of candy, unwrapped it and bit it into three pieces for her and her friends to share it...
The best worship experience of my life(seriously) occurred in a modest room, standing along the wall with my team members as we sang along with the deep sounds of thirty or so men who were recovering addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, and abusers. All of us together worshipping our God.
Kara's parasite scare... haha
The time I was taking a shower and another girl(I won't mention her name lol) was sitting on the toilet and the power went out! Which also meant that the water stopped working... luckily I had finished rinsing out my hair. Then the four of us girls laid on one of the beds talking and giggling our heads off in the dark.
That night I laid on the grass with Ashley and tried to find constellations in the sky using the app on her phone. I loved that.
The night Josh and I had a heart to heart on the patio and I drew a picture in his sketch book.
Crashing(not really) a wedding when we went to Karen Blixen's old home turned museum.
Asking one tiny question about relationships in a circle of "youth" at church and the conversation exploding from there.
Seeing basically my only Kenyan sunset as we were coming back from Terry and Beto's house that one night. (We were always at the place we stayed by that time for safety and traffic issues)
Watching the Dog Whisperer with Annie and Cherise.
Going to a mini catholic church service(mass?) at the old people place and feeling very awkward and out of place.
The two old blind men who had betrothed themselves to Renee and I and asked us to come back to them after we finished our schooling.
The educated man playing checkers who Bobby(I think) and I chatted with about the United States and sports.
The respect that I had for hard working women after spending the day washing sheets by hand,(and attempting to wring them out, also by hand. I realized that day that I am completely lacking in arm muscle...) mopping, emptying toilets and the like.
Being asked if we had ever washed clothes by hand. When our answer was no, the ladies asked us if our parents did it or if we had maids to do it for us. Hesitantly we said no and said we had machines to do it. They looked at us surprised but knowing at the same time and continued back to their work.
Having to eat a huge plate/bowl full of rice and beans. Feeling sick afterwards.
Having to eat a huge plate full of all kinds of stuff. And drink a soda on top of it.
Ordering a bacon cheesburger among other things on one of our last days and wanting to slap myself for eating so much(I didn't even have to finish that food, but I tried to). I didn't even feel sick, I just wanted to lie on the floor and die because I was so full of food. Worst feeling ever.
Going inside a Maasai's home.
Worshipping our creator in the middle of his beautiful creation with Maasai women who were singing in Swahili.
The tiny boy at the Nest Home whom I fell in love with. I don't even remember what it was, but he was beautiful and so very special to me.
Darling Peninah... a girl who after helping me offer roses to everyone on Mother's Day, asked me to follow her around and take pictures of her.
The ringing of the bell for meal time.
I could go on and on. And I really want to, but this is long enough already. Although I do feel it is insufficient of the time I spent thinking of it all. I definitely left a lot out.
A beautiful, beautiful experience. Perhaps I shall write more blogs with other little remembrances.
O how I miss it so.
Merry Christmas Kenya.
I laid here and thought about the tiny little details, the small instances that occurred that I don't tend to think about when I think of that wonderful trip. I know I have probably shared some of these with you guys, but I'm hoping that some are new to your ears.... or rather your eyes haha
The morning Annie and I and the boys hung out on the patio in the foggy morning watching the birds swoop out of the sky and eat their breakfast of those flying bugs that were everywhere!
The bumpy bumpy bus rides to and from everywhere, including that time when our driver was brave enough to take us down a very narrow street in the Kibera slum. I was so scared.
The night we arrived in Kenya...I remember looking out the window of our plane and seeing lights spotting the landscape but it was a different kind of light. Somehow I could tell that it was not a city, but rather a slum. After traveling through customs we were picked up by Terry and Beto in our bus. It was dark and rainy and so so beautiful.
The security guards standing around in many places with their huge guns strapped across their chests...
The BEST chocolate crossiant thing I've ever had from Java House.
A young girl who had been given a piece of candy, unwrapped it and bit it into three pieces for her and her friends to share it...
The best worship experience of my life(seriously) occurred in a modest room, standing along the wall with my team members as we sang along with the deep sounds of thirty or so men who were recovering addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, and abusers. All of us together worshipping our God.
Kara's parasite scare... haha
The time I was taking a shower and another girl(I won't mention her name lol) was sitting on the toilet and the power went out! Which also meant that the water stopped working... luckily I had finished rinsing out my hair. Then the four of us girls laid on one of the beds talking and giggling our heads off in the dark.
That night I laid on the grass with Ashley and tried to find constellations in the sky using the app on her phone. I loved that.
The night Josh and I had a heart to heart on the patio and I drew a picture in his sketch book.
Crashing(not really) a wedding when we went to Karen Blixen's old home turned museum.
Asking one tiny question about relationships in a circle of "youth" at church and the conversation exploding from there.
Seeing basically my only Kenyan sunset as we were coming back from Terry and Beto's house that one night. (We were always at the place we stayed by that time for safety and traffic issues)
Watching the Dog Whisperer with Annie and Cherise.
Going to a mini catholic church service(mass?) at the old people place and feeling very awkward and out of place.
The two old blind men who had betrothed themselves to Renee and I and asked us to come back to them after we finished our schooling.
The educated man playing checkers who Bobby(I think) and I chatted with about the United States and sports.
The respect that I had for hard working women after spending the day washing sheets by hand,(and attempting to wring them out, also by hand. I realized that day that I am completely lacking in arm muscle...) mopping, emptying toilets and the like.
Being asked if we had ever washed clothes by hand. When our answer was no, the ladies asked us if our parents did it or if we had maids to do it for us. Hesitantly we said no and said we had machines to do it. They looked at us surprised but knowing at the same time and continued back to their work.
Having to eat a huge plate/bowl full of rice and beans. Feeling sick afterwards.
Having to eat a huge plate full of all kinds of stuff. And drink a soda on top of it.
Ordering a bacon cheesburger among other things on one of our last days and wanting to slap myself for eating so much(I didn't even have to finish that food, but I tried to). I didn't even feel sick, I just wanted to lie on the floor and die because I was so full of food. Worst feeling ever.
Going inside a Maasai's home.
Worshipping our creator in the middle of his beautiful creation with Maasai women who were singing in Swahili.
The tiny boy at the Nest Home whom I fell in love with. I don't even remember what it was, but he was beautiful and so very special to me.
Darling Peninah... a girl who after helping me offer roses to everyone on Mother's Day, asked me to follow her around and take pictures of her.
The ringing of the bell for meal time.
I could go on and on. And I really want to, but this is long enough already. Although I do feel it is insufficient of the time I spent thinking of it all. I definitely left a lot out.
A beautiful, beautiful experience. Perhaps I shall write more blogs with other little remembrances.
O how I miss it so.
Merry Christmas Kenya.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Road Trip
I am leaving tomorrow morning at eight for a mini road trip to San Diego. I couldn't be happier. I'm excited to see what kind of adventures we will go on and what things we will see. We're spending the night at a friend's and coming back the next day. Hopefully this will be the mini getaway that I've been wanting. Hooray for adventure!
Resolution
Strangely enough, I have remembered my New Year's Resolution from last year, the entire year.... Not to say that I have stuck to it the whole time, but I at least remember what it was and still have a bit of time to act on it. Always take risks. I'm pretty sure I wrote a note about it on Facebook or something... But that was it. I wanted to get off my lazy introverted butt and go do things that would normally freak me out or be totally out of my comfort zone. And I am happy to say that I have had some wonderful experiences doing just that. I am also sure that I will have at least a couple more in this last month.
So with all that said... What do I do about next year? In years past I've never been too serious about resolutions because I would always forget about them or not stick with it. But I think it's been because they were unrealistic. But an idea like taking more risks was something that I could easily accomplish as long as I dared to do it. (Another thing that I think helped, was that I had "always take risks" as the banner on my phone for months! I saw it everytime I opened it up.) So I've been thinking about this next year and thinking about what it's going to be for me, what I hope to do, what I hope to accomplish. I think I want to keep the theme of taking risks but also I need to add in some other element...
This blog has been sitting around in my drafts for the last three weeks... and I still haven't come up with anything good yet... mehhh
So with all that said... What do I do about next year? In years past I've never been too serious about resolutions because I would always forget about them or not stick with it. But I think it's been because they were unrealistic. But an idea like taking more risks was something that I could easily accomplish as long as I dared to do it. (Another thing that I think helped, was that I had "always take risks" as the banner on my phone for months! I saw it everytime I opened it up.) So I've been thinking about this next year and thinking about what it's going to be for me, what I hope to do, what I hope to accomplish. I think I want to keep the theme of taking risks but also I need to add in some other element...
This blog has been sitting around in my drafts for the last three weeks... and I still haven't come up with anything good yet... mehhh
Green Eggs and Ham
If I remember right, I've never had green eggs and ham. But I have had green pancakes, waffles, and milk. When we were kids (and it has even trickled into our later years) my mom and dad would always make green food things on St. Patrick's Day. It always seemed to make it more festive and exciting. But that's pretty much the only time we ever die our food right? Part of me wants to go make something yummy and dye it, just because I can, and just to make it fun. I want to make a green cake, or maybe a purple one.
I should make a red and green for Christmas...
I should make a red and green for Christmas...
Lost Connection
My laptop doesn't let me post videos from Youtube onto my blog and I'm too lazy to use the computer in the other room to do it. So go look.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_FM9vQWCXE
I'm languorously open ended
And the endings no good
I've been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I'm ready to burn
And I'm at war within myself and self is winning the fight
Cause feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Their lyrics are fab. And they are beautiful creatures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_FM9vQWCXE
I'm languorously open ended
And the endings no good
I've been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball
Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I'm ready to burn
And I'm at war within myself and self is winning the fight
Cause feeling like no one at all means feeling alright
Their lyrics are fab. And they are beautiful creatures.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Peace
After finishing my last blog, I began to read my new Ted Dekker book called Forbidden. Finally. Haha I've had it for two weeks and am just now getting to it. After a couple chapters I moved over to the kid's section because that's the one place in the store where they don't mind if you sit on the floor and read.(I hate that) I went on the little stage they have and leaned against the wall and read another chapter or two. And then I wrote. And it wasn't a simple, sit down and write it thing. It was work. It didn't always come out easily. And I had to reread it and ponder it and delete things and rewrite a bunch of times before finally getting it right about 12 minutes before the store was going to close. I was afraid I would run out of time, but I got it. I think. After I finished, and was packing up my things to leave, I felt good. I felt accomplished. I felt like I had made something beautiful and that felt so refreshing. I wished a Merry Christmas to the guy working near the door as I exited. I got in my car, and turned on some Jon Foreman for the drive home and just relaxed. Finally. It feels so nice. Now it's time for bed. I am in a good mood and at peace.
All Over the Place
I sat down to write about something, and I can't really remember what it was.
Lately I've been wanting to write, a lot. But I haven't been able to and I don't know why and it is the most frustrating thing ever. What do I do with all the crap in my head? I really don't want to talk about anything anymore. I don't even want to think about anything anymore. So what do I do? I need a break. I need some hardcore sleep and I need to get away or something. I'm so sick of all of this. I'm sick of wanting to talk about it so I can figure it out or feel better about it but none of that works and I only end up feeling worse.
I want to forget everything and move on with my life. I want to enjoy my Christmas break and paint and read and write and do everything that sounds lovely.
So I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble right now facing a couple(in their late thirties) sitting next to each other, having coffee and it looks like the guy is trying to explain his cool phone to her and show her all the cool things it does. She takes it in her hands and fiddles and he says no no like this. Or some crap like that. He takes a sip of his coffee and she looks at her own phone and asks him a question. Has society really come to the point where we flirt and get to know each other over a stupid piece of technology? I've really gotten sick of it all lately. Not to say that I am opposed to technology altogether because obviously I am typing this up on a computer and using wifi and what not. But I just wish it wasn't so prevalent and important in our society. I'm good with my average laptop, an old ipod that no longer lets me put music on it, and my average phone that has a keyboard. I don't need much else and don't really want much else. I have enough crap as it is.
Moving home helped me realize how much worthless crap I have and how I hate it all and want to get rid of a bunch. I think I'd be good with some clothes, art supplies, a couple books, and the afore mentioned pieces of technology. I could probably get rid of most everything I own and be perfectly happy.
Wouldn't that be nice? Now let's see if I actually do that or not.
I am so in need of a break.
Lately I've been wanting to write, a lot. But I haven't been able to and I don't know why and it is the most frustrating thing ever. What do I do with all the crap in my head? I really don't want to talk about anything anymore. I don't even want to think about anything anymore. So what do I do? I need a break. I need some hardcore sleep and I need to get away or something. I'm so sick of all of this. I'm sick of wanting to talk about it so I can figure it out or feel better about it but none of that works and I only end up feeling worse.
I want to forget everything and move on with my life. I want to enjoy my Christmas break and paint and read and write and do everything that sounds lovely.
So I'm sitting at Barnes and Noble right now facing a couple(in their late thirties) sitting next to each other, having coffee and it looks like the guy is trying to explain his cool phone to her and show her all the cool things it does. She takes it in her hands and fiddles and he says no no like this. Or some crap like that. He takes a sip of his coffee and she looks at her own phone and asks him a question. Has society really come to the point where we flirt and get to know each other over a stupid piece of technology? I've really gotten sick of it all lately. Not to say that I am opposed to technology altogether because obviously I am typing this up on a computer and using wifi and what not. But I just wish it wasn't so prevalent and important in our society. I'm good with my average laptop, an old ipod that no longer lets me put music on it, and my average phone that has a keyboard. I don't need much else and don't really want much else. I have enough crap as it is.
Moving home helped me realize how much worthless crap I have and how I hate it all and want to get rid of a bunch. I think I'd be good with some clothes, art supplies, a couple books, and the afore mentioned pieces of technology. I could probably get rid of most everything I own and be perfectly happy.
Wouldn't that be nice? Now let's see if I actually do that or not.
I am so in need of a break.
Christmas?
I really only wanted to find a video with the part from 2:12 to 2:23 but I couldn't.
I kinda just felt like that today. I hate Christmas and I want everybody to know it.
But I only feel like that today... we'll see how tomorrow is.
I kinda just felt like that today. I hate Christmas and I want everybody to know it.
But I only feel like that today... we'll see how tomorrow is.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Scared...
The side of my desk is parallel to the wall and I sit on top of my desk with my back to that wall. My dubstep is loud and my door is open, which is unusual. But tonight, I don't really care who hears my music. My little corner is empty, void, white. The drawers are all pulled out, lined up and stacked in my closet. My lovely little corner will no longer be home. Soon my home will be my home. I'm trying to be ok with that. I moved all my things back home tonight and I stood in the corner of my room staring at everything and I just got depressed. I would soon be stuck in one room/one house for a while. I know I can go out and do things but I've enjoyed the freedom of these last two months. Come and go as I want. Plenty of people who are literally a two minute walk away. I'm going to miss the convenience of it all. It's a funny feeling because I know I live close and I know I can come back whenever I want to. But I still feel like I will be disconnected. I do know that there are a few people who are more than willing to let me stay the night with them on campus, which is nice, and I am definitely going to take them up on that. But it's just going to be an adjustment. I'm hoping I don't get bored, upset, antsy, depressed, and whatever else. I feel like it wouldn't be too hard for that to happen. I'm hoping it doesn't...
So Meg, my RA just came in and said that I was good to go, I did a great job cleaning, and that everything looked good. So I handed her my keys. Well that was a weird feeling. Sigh... I don't know what to think about all of this. I have NO IDEA where I'm going from here. For a while, I think I was kinda excited about that. I have all kinds of opportunities in front of me and I just have to take one and go after something. But now, here I am, and I am scared to death. I'm scared of getting restless and bored and angry because of those feelings. I'm scared that I won't take chances that come my way. I'm scared that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of making my parents worried when all I want to do is stay in my room all day and be alone, in the dark, with music, in silence, in whatever. I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to worry about me.
I didn't proofread this blog... O well.
So Meg, my RA just came in and said that I was good to go, I did a great job cleaning, and that everything looked good. So I handed her my keys. Well that was a weird feeling. Sigh... I don't know what to think about all of this. I have NO IDEA where I'm going from here. For a while, I think I was kinda excited about that. I have all kinds of opportunities in front of me and I just have to take one and go after something. But now, here I am, and I am scared to death. I'm scared of getting restless and bored and angry because of those feelings. I'm scared that I won't take chances that come my way. I'm scared that I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm scared of doing the wrong thing. I'm scared of making my parents worried when all I want to do is stay in my room all day and be alone, in the dark, with music, in silence, in whatever. I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to worry about me.
I didn't proofread this blog... O well.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Relax
I ate three pieces of Dove chocolate today and two of them said this.
Wanting to Give
"I don't have to give you anything, but I want to give you everything."
There is a difference between having to do something and wanting to do it. When someone wants to do something, they have a positive attitude toward the action and they have a desire to fulfill it. When they have to... they have to and there is nothing pushing them except to get the task done.
The person quoted above wants to give everything... That shows the state of their heart. When you have a desire to give someone everything, what does that mean? Does that mean love? Something tells me yes.
There is a difference between having to do something and wanting to do it. When someone wants to do something, they have a positive attitude toward the action and they have a desire to fulfill it. When they have to... they have to and there is nothing pushing them except to get the task done.
The person quoted above wants to give everything... That shows the state of their heart. When you have a desire to give someone everything, what does that mean? Does that mean love? Something tells me yes.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sleeping at Last
I've been listening to this band way too much lately. I'm almost sick of them haha
I love the artwork they have for all their albums and songs and things. It is lovely. Weird coincidence...I looked up the artist who does their stuff, Geoff Benzing, and his art was showcased at Bridgeport Church's First Friday art shows... Bridgeport Church is a small church that some of us visited in Kansas City, MO last December. This church helped give me a vision of things I would like to implement into my own church plant. I really liked the feel of the place, chill and not over the top, and it was on a streetfront, like in downtown whatever city we were in. It was the perfect spot. But going back to First Fridays... The church opens up to the city and showcases local artists in their little sanctuary. Artists, dreamers, believers, nonbelievers, all lovers of art, come and enjoy a night of community and beauty. I find that simply wonderful. Too good.
But anywayy here is Sleeping at Last's January White.
I've started to think about this coming year...What it means for me, what it's going to hold, what resolution I want to make. (I really hate the term "new year's resolution". It needs a new name. A blog more or less about this topic coming soon.) This song kinda goes along with that I suppose. Enjoy.
So let's press undo.
Rearrange the old and call it new-
January white.
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind.
'cause if nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the game, a chance to redefine
Everything we are,
In our January white.
This year is a sealed envelope,
A culmination of hopes,
The lottery result that we've been crossing fingers for.
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue,
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white.
If nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds;
Our hourglasses turn.
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope
We brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand,
A chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
I love the artwork they have for all their albums and songs and things. It is lovely. Weird coincidence...I looked up the artist who does their stuff, Geoff Benzing, and his art was showcased at Bridgeport Church's First Friday art shows... Bridgeport Church is a small church that some of us visited in Kansas City, MO last December. This church helped give me a vision of things I would like to implement into my own church plant. I really liked the feel of the place, chill and not over the top, and it was on a streetfront, like in downtown whatever city we were in. It was the perfect spot. But going back to First Fridays... The church opens up to the city and showcases local artists in their little sanctuary. Artists, dreamers, believers, nonbelievers, all lovers of art, come and enjoy a night of community and beauty. I find that simply wonderful. Too good.
But anywayy here is Sleeping at Last's January White.
I've started to think about this coming year...What it means for me, what it's going to hold, what resolution I want to make. (I really hate the term "new year's resolution". It needs a new name. A blog more or less about this topic coming soon.) This song kinda goes along with that I suppose. Enjoy.
So let's press undo.
Rearrange the old and call it new-
January white.
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind.
'cause if nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the game, a chance to redefine
Everything we are,
In our January white.
This year is a sealed envelope,
A culmination of hopes,
The lottery result that we've been crossing fingers for.
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue,
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white.
If nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds;
Our hourglasses turn.
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope
We brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand,
A chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Words of Wisdom
"Just make sure you listen to what God tells you. Do what He wants you to do or else you're just going to do it later."
Another random conversation with a random person.
Today has been a really weird day. I can't even explain it. But it's had a strange mix of great things, weird dreams, donuts, good grades, random conversations, rest, and soon the best friend.
Here's to adventure!
Another random conversation with a random person.
Today has been a really weird day. I can't even explain it. But it's had a strange mix of great things, weird dreams, donuts, good grades, random conversations, rest, and soon the best friend.
Here's to adventure!
Breakfast is for Waking Up
Random talking back and forth.
I mumble and stumble over my words.
Laughing, "I'm not awake."
"That's what breakfast is for."
Simple, but true I feel. Breakfast is for waking up.
Waking up is for breakfast.
The same friend that spoke these words to me also gave me a hug. A random one I might add. This is not one of those friends that I can expect a hug from whenever I see them. This person never hugs me. It's not like it's a big deal; I don't go around making note of who does and doesn't hug me. But receiving a hug from them was just that much more nice and unexpected. In a strange way, it kind of made my morning.
Anyway, I feel like today has a certain energy about it. Something good is going to happen, or it's just going to be a nice day. Something like that...
I mumble and stumble over my words.
Laughing, "I'm not awake."
"That's what breakfast is for."
Simple, but true I feel. Breakfast is for waking up.
Waking up is for breakfast.
The same friend that spoke these words to me also gave me a hug. A random one I might add. This is not one of those friends that I can expect a hug from whenever I see them. This person never hugs me. It's not like it's a big deal; I don't go around making note of who does and doesn't hug me. But receiving a hug from them was just that much more nice and unexpected. In a strange way, it kind of made my morning.
Anyway, I feel like today has a certain energy about it. Something good is going to happen, or it's just going to be a nice day. Something like that...
Lacking
I've had a huge desire to write the past couple days. I did yesterday in my little Rant... But I want more. I want to write something else. Something profound, something beautiful, something interesting. But I don't know what.
I don't know what to write about. I'm sitting at Denny's right now with two friends. We ate some food and now we're just chilling. Today's been an interesting day. I had class this morning, realized how much I really enjoy the company of my friend sitting next to me. I will be sad to not share class with him next semester. I went to chapel and enjoyed a few Christmas carols and what not and spaced out through most of what the president was saying. I left that and went to the loop for a whileee. Reading poetry and listening to a wonderful band called Sleeping At Last. Too good. I was joined by a friend and we sat reading some more stuff which was nice. But then I got in a funky mood. My girl came over and we hung out for a little while and caught each other up on life. Then my momma came and got me and we went to Joanns to pick out material for the apron she is going to make me. Dad then met us at Coldstone so I could get me free birthday ice cream. I drove the car back to school and ended up working on homework at Starbucks for a while. Grabbed some Jack in the Crack and was reminded of our math study group. Went to that and was there for an hour and a half... Then went back to my room and basically finished my practicum. Grabbed two friends and now am sitting here at Denny's. I guess it's been a pretty eventful day but nothing to crazy. Except for practicum maybe. It always surprises me when I'm working on a homework assignment and something hits me and I'm like woahh dang. That happened today while working on practicum. Pretty cool, lots to think about now.
Some lyrics from Sleeping At Last:
There's no need to be afraid,
Overwhelming love cascades.
The melody will rise and swell
As it finds its way inside the shell.
So this post is not profound, beautiful or interesting, but it's all I got tonight. Don't have energy for much else. I'm going to try to write more often. Imma try for every day. Even if I don't have much, like today, I'm gunna push through and try to come up with something anyway. I enjoy it too much to not take advantage of the time I have to write
I don't know what to write about. I'm sitting at Denny's right now with two friends. We ate some food and now we're just chilling. Today's been an interesting day. I had class this morning, realized how much I really enjoy the company of my friend sitting next to me. I will be sad to not share class with him next semester. I went to chapel and enjoyed a few Christmas carols and what not and spaced out through most of what the president was saying. I left that and went to the loop for a whileee. Reading poetry and listening to a wonderful band called Sleeping At Last. Too good. I was joined by a friend and we sat reading some more stuff which was nice. But then I got in a funky mood. My girl came over and we hung out for a little while and caught each other up on life. Then my momma came and got me and we went to Joanns to pick out material for the apron she is going to make me. Dad then met us at Coldstone so I could get me free birthday ice cream. I drove the car back to school and ended up working on homework at Starbucks for a while. Grabbed some Jack in the Crack and was reminded of our math study group. Went to that and was there for an hour and a half... Then went back to my room and basically finished my practicum. Grabbed two friends and now am sitting here at Denny's. I guess it's been a pretty eventful day but nothing to crazy. Except for practicum maybe. It always surprises me when I'm working on a homework assignment and something hits me and I'm like woahh dang. That happened today while working on practicum. Pretty cool, lots to think about now.
Some lyrics from Sleeping At Last:
There's no need to be afraid,
Overwhelming love cascades.
The melody will rise and swell
As it finds its way inside the shell.
So this post is not profound, beautiful or interesting, but it's all I got tonight. Don't have energy for much else. I'm going to try to write more often. Imma try for every day. Even if I don't have much, like today, I'm gunna push through and try to come up with something anyway. I enjoy it too much to not take advantage of the time I have to write
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Modern Day Poets
I came upon this website where people can submit their own poetry and browse through other poems and read or critique and what not. It's quite lovely to get a taste of poetry that people are writing right now. I always read books of poetry from people that are either dead or old and the only time I get to read things that are being written now, is when my friends post something on their blog or Facebook. So being on this website is super cool because people are always posting new work. (Random side note, I have read many poems on that site by poets between the ages of 13 and 16 that are so beautifully written and have so much raw emotion, pain, love, beauty. It's insane. Initially my thought was, wow these kids are so young and they are writing all this crazy stuff... But apparently I had forgotten the things I felt when I was that age... Not like it was that long ago... but still... Just kinda funny what I forget until I sit down and think about it.)
Anyway, just read this right now... and I like it, I think. I don't like all of it. I like the beginning, middle, and end, but not the in betweens. Haha
People in the Rain
by Ahmad Cox
The night closes in
There are people out in the rain
People lost in the cold
There are people who don't really have a place
That they can really be
Trapped in themselves
Lost to the world
Not really knowing
How to connect to everyone else
Not really knowing
How to make sense
Of this crazy world that we take to be normal
There are people out there
Who don't know how to feel
They have gotten so used to being numb
Doing everything they can to remove the pain
The pain of the present
The pain of the past
The pain that memories bring
And the pain of knowing that what they are doing
To ease the pain
To stay numb
To get a little moment's peace
They will do whatever it takes
Even it means killing themselves
But often they don't care
They have gotten so far down
So far lost
That they feel like they deserve it
Like they can't do better
People can start to feel like their lives are one big track
That just keeps going around and around
Never really moving
Just continuing the same cycle again and again
But we are all lost in our own ways
Lost to the cold
Lost in the night
We all have our moments
When it feels like the night is closing in
When we feel like we are better off
If we just don't feel at all
If it would be better
If we made ourselves apathetic
So that way we wouldn't really have to feel the pain
Feeling others
And actually caring for someone other then ourselves
Having love and compassion in our hearts
It's hard sometimes
To open up ourselves
And to let go
It can be even harder
To open yourself up
To feel all of the emotions
That we all feel
Whether it be joy
Pain
Sorrow
Peace
Whether we laugh
Or whether we cry
It's hard sometimes to allow ourselves to be present in what we are feeling
We all want to avoid pain in our lives
But if you spend your life running from yourself
Running from people
Running from the pain
And living in the night
Hurting and destroying yourself
And the people around you
Ultimately you will find yourself alone
Anyway, just read this right now... and I like it, I think. I don't like all of it. I like the beginning, middle, and end, but not the in betweens. Haha
People in the Rain
by Ahmad Cox
The night closes in
There are people out in the rain
People lost in the cold
There are people who don't really have a place
That they can really be
Trapped in themselves
Lost to the world
Not really knowing
How to connect to everyone else
Not really knowing
How to make sense
Of this crazy world that we take to be normal
There are people out there
Who don't know how to feel
They have gotten so used to being numb
Doing everything they can to remove the pain
The pain of the present
The pain of the past
The pain that memories bring
And the pain of knowing that what they are doing
To ease the pain
To stay numb
To get a little moment's peace
They will do whatever it takes
Even it means killing themselves
But often they don't care
They have gotten so far down
So far lost
That they feel like they deserve it
Like they can't do better
People can start to feel like their lives are one big track
That just keeps going around and around
Never really moving
Just continuing the same cycle again and again
But we are all lost in our own ways
Lost to the cold
Lost in the night
We all have our moments
When it feels like the night is closing in
When we feel like we are better off
If we just don't feel at all
If it would be better
If we made ourselves apathetic
So that way we wouldn't really have to feel the pain
Feeling others
And actually caring for someone other then ourselves
Having love and compassion in our hearts
It's hard sometimes
To open up ourselves
And to let go
It can be even harder
To open yourself up
To feel all of the emotions
That we all feel
Whether it be joy
Pain
Sorrow
Peace
Whether we laugh
Or whether we cry
It's hard sometimes to allow ourselves to be present in what we are feeling
We all want to avoid pain in our lives
But if you spend your life running from yourself
Running from people
Running from the pain
And living in the night
Hurting and destroying yourself
And the people around you
Ultimately you will find yourself alone
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Rant
I realized today that I just don't care. I feel horrible and far from God and I just don't care. WTJ? Sometimes I feel guilty when I tell people this. It's like I'm supposed to feel a certain way or something. They make me feel like it's super horrible that I feel like crap and am far from God and I just need to try harder. Well screw you, I don't want to try harder. I'm tired of trying to balance this whole thing. I never know when I need to focus on God, or myself, or others, or my issues, or other's issues or what. When I pray, I struggle with what to say because I have been told in so many sermons to first start out by praising God and then do this, then do this, etc. Well lately, I haven't felt like worshipping God because I'm so fed up with my life and the way I feel and I just want to curse him and tell him to make me feel better or just leave me alone. But then I feel guilty for focusing on my own crap and then try to pray for others but don't really try hard enough and then I just feel lousy because I'm not spending the time how I should. And then too often I end up falling asleep because I am so damn tired of all of this.
It bugs me that I've gotten to this point. To the point that when people pray for me and give me Godly advice, it ends up just getting on my nerves and I just want them to shut up.
And because of this ^ I really don't want anyone who reads this to come up to me and say hey how are you doing, let's talk about this, I'm praying for you, blah blah blah. I feel shitty enough as it is, I don't need your empty words to make it worse.
I want to delete this post... Because it's so raw and real and I don't want any of you to read it.
But it's the truth.
It bugs me that I've gotten to this point. To the point that when people pray for me and give me Godly advice, it ends up just getting on my nerves and I just want them to shut up.
And because of this ^ I really don't want anyone who reads this to come up to me and say hey how are you doing, let's talk about this, I'm praying for you, blah blah blah. I feel shitty enough as it is, I don't need your empty words to make it worse.
I want to delete this post... Because it's so raw and real and I don't want any of you to read it.
But it's the truth.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sexual Healing
I watched this this morning and then as soon as it was over I got a text from my friend that said "Not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. NOTHING in ALL creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God."
God's timing is funny sometimes.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Best Friend
I have the most amazing best friend I could ever ask for. This girl....
Melissa wrote the most wonderful poem for my birthday. The first part was silly and full of hilarious memories that we have experienced together. I would share it but to be honest, there are a few things I would rather not share with the world... haha but it's wonderful!
The second half of her poem is a little bit more serious. It's also the part that sent me over the edge and made me cry. Haha
It's like she put the last six years into a poem. I can't get over it.
Well anyway, here is the second part. Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it....
You are adventurous and wilder, Braver then me too
Your delicate heart and love of God makes me want to be like you.
Life is fine when you are laughing and showing that smile.
When you sing your favorite songs and dance for a little while.
Guys will come and go, trying to conquer your heart.
Just be patient for the one who will never want to part.
I cannot guarantee that there wont be any sad moments
But you stay positive and continue to shine in your moment.
God is watching both of us, we never leave his sight.
How can I tell this? We have never had a big fight.
You’ve been there for me as much as I have for you.
We’ve been friends for years and years, sticking together like super glue.
You stood by my side when we both thought I had that thyroid tumor
I didn’t think I could smile but you got me to with your wicked sense of humor.
After that last line, I find my self in tears as I start to cry.
Cause Im still wondering, more like asking God why.
Why he had bestowed upon me such a blessing in disguise
Who gets along with me as ice cream to apple pies.
Deep down in your heart, you know there is nothing to fear.
For I am your best friend and I will always be here
Today is gonna be a great day for you, You know that I am right
I quote our favorite song, that you have the time of your life.
There's something about this girl... I just love her so much! God has blessed me with our friendship and I couldn't have asked for a greater friend.
Melissa wrote the most wonderful poem for my birthday. The first part was silly and full of hilarious memories that we have experienced together. I would share it but to be honest, there are a few things I would rather not share with the world... haha but it's wonderful!
The second half of her poem is a little bit more serious. It's also the part that sent me over the edge and made me cry. Haha
It's like she put the last six years into a poem. I can't get over it.
Well anyway, here is the second part. Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it....
You are adventurous and wilder, Braver then me too
Your delicate heart and love of God makes me want to be like you.
Life is fine when you are laughing and showing that smile.
When you sing your favorite songs and dance for a little while.
Guys will come and go, trying to conquer your heart.
Just be patient for the one who will never want to part.
I cannot guarantee that there wont be any sad moments
But you stay positive and continue to shine in your moment.
God is watching both of us, we never leave his sight.
How can I tell this? We have never had a big fight.
You’ve been there for me as much as I have for you.
We’ve been friends for years and years, sticking together like super glue.
You stood by my side when we both thought I had that thyroid tumor
I didn’t think I could smile but you got me to with your wicked sense of humor.
After that last line, I find my self in tears as I start to cry.
Cause Im still wondering, more like asking God why.
Why he had bestowed upon me such a blessing in disguise
Who gets along with me as ice cream to apple pies.
Deep down in your heart, you know there is nothing to fear.
For I am your best friend and I will always be here
Today is gonna be a great day for you, You know that I am right
I quote our favorite song, that you have the time of your life.
There's something about this girl... I just love her so much! God has blessed me with our friendship and I couldn't have asked for a greater friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)