Can't Sleep

Is this really what is keeping me up? ughh

I fall easily.

I was reading something I wrote a few months ago and I was shocked to see what I had said. The feelings and emotions running rampant in my heart and head. Here I am, only months later and I think, really? It means practically nothing to me now. Or at least not today. Is it really that easy for me, to fall, and then get back up and start going again? Is it healthy or damaging? I’m sick of falling. And I’m sick of getting up to walk away, only to fall once more. I’m really tired of the whole thing. I want so much to be done with it, to not care who, when, where I fall in love with someone. I want so much for that not to be super important to me. But it is.

Why can I not find my worth in my God? And when I do, why can’t that be enough to satisfy my deepest longings? Is he teaching me patience? Is he giving me this time to fall so deeply in love with him? I want to, I really do. But loving is hard. And it doesn’t come easy. But it does for me. So why is it so hard for me to fall in love with my God?

Sometimes I think it is because he seems so far away. My greatest love language is physical touch. But God can’t physically touch me. He can’t hug me and hold me close. He can give affirming words, he can give me gifts, we can spend time together, (not sure about acts of service...but it could be kind of figurative? Or something?) But anyway, I feel most loved, when someone is close to me, hugs me, rubs my back, pats my hand, whatever. I love when certain family members kiss my cheek as we greet or say goodbye. Not all of them do that, but the ones that do, make me feel special.

I guess what I’m saying is that it is harder for me to feel close to God, seeing as how I am not physically near to him. I know that oftentimes we can feel his presence near us, which is amazing, but it’s not that actual physical touch right by my side.

So with all that said, I guess I really just want to know God and know his love deeper and closer. Maybe I've been feeling far away and lonely so that's why this is on my heart. It's hard getting that alone time where no one will bother you and you can "hide away" with God. I miss the times I spent with him on the back stairwell at school. In the wee hours of the early mornings, warm light of the breezy afternoons, and underneath his star painted nights. It really was wonderful.