A Fair Day

I went to the OC fair today and it was lovely. We ate tons of yummy food, looked at all the animals, vegetables, flowers, crafts, art, people, and whatever else there was. It was a super fun time to hang with the family.

I was excited to go into the arts building. Photography and paintings and what nots. It. was. awesome. There were almost too many things to look at. I thought I had almost finished going through the photography(I found out later that I skipped a whole section) and my family said they were going to move on to something else so I stuck around by myself. I still had the whole other half of the building to walk through... I continued checking out the beautiful photos and moved onto the paintings. I don't think I have been so moved by so many paintings in one sitting. It was overwhelming. So many beautiful things to look at, guess the meaning of, and connect with. One artist had a whole exhibit with lots of cool stuff. It's hard to explain what exact media he uses because it was a bunch of stuff. But it was shiny and colorful. One of his was called "Before the Kiss" or something to that extent and it was all about the emotions felt right before you kiss someone special. And I totally felt it while looking at his artwork! It was so cool.

Another painting showed a young boy who was a child soldier in Africa(can't remember what country, I fail). I stared into his young, frightened eyes, noticing the gun hanging by his side and I was brought to tears. It was a powerful piece.
Many others captured so much beauty, mystery, experience, wonder... It's hard to explain completely the way it all made me feel.

One more painting that I liked was of a cartoon-looking robot pressing a syringe into its cracked heart. He had a sad face and there was red paint splashed behind him and even on the frame. Its title was "Not Everything Has a Remedy". It was a cool take on "brokenheartedness" and how people try to heal it.

The thing I love about art is that there are normally layers to it. There might be the initial portrayal of a certain idea or scene, but oftentimes if you look beyond that, you'll find something else and it will hit home with you somehow. I love how art can make me feel beauty and love but also heartbreak and fear. It's amazing to me that a person can portray those emotions onto paper, canvas, wood, etc without using any words.

I want to go back to the fair just to walk around again and study the pictures for even longer. And maybe get a fried oreo or something.

Can't Sleep

Is this really what is keeping me up? ughh

I fall easily.

I was reading something I wrote a few months ago and I was shocked to see what I had said. The feelings and emotions running rampant in my heart and head. Here I am, only months later and I think, really? It means practically nothing to me now. Or at least not today. Is it really that easy for me, to fall, and then get back up and start going again? Is it healthy or damaging? I’m sick of falling. And I’m sick of getting up to walk away, only to fall once more. I’m really tired of the whole thing. I want so much to be done with it, to not care who, when, where I fall in love with someone. I want so much for that not to be super important to me. But it is.

Why can I not find my worth in my God? And when I do, why can’t that be enough to satisfy my deepest longings? Is he teaching me patience? Is he giving me this time to fall so deeply in love with him? I want to, I really do. But loving is hard. And it doesn’t come easy. But it does for me. So why is it so hard for me to fall in love with my God?

Sometimes I think it is because he seems so far away. My greatest love language is physical touch. But God can’t physically touch me. He can’t hug me and hold me close. He can give affirming words, he can give me gifts, we can spend time together, (not sure about acts of service...but it could be kind of figurative? Or something?) But anyway, I feel most loved, when someone is close to me, hugs me, rubs my back, pats my hand, whatever. I love when certain family members kiss my cheek as we greet or say goodbye. Not all of them do that, but the ones that do, make me feel special.

I guess what I’m saying is that it is harder for me to feel close to God, seeing as how I am not physically near to him. I know that oftentimes we can feel his presence near us, which is amazing, but it’s not that actual physical touch right by my side.

So with all that said, I guess I really just want to know God and know his love deeper and closer. Maybe I've been feeling far away and lonely so that's why this is on my heart. It's hard getting that alone time where no one will bother you and you can "hide away" with God. I miss the times I spent with him on the back stairwell at school. In the wee hours of the early mornings, warm light of the breezy afternoons, and underneath his star painted nights. It really was wonderful.

Darla: The Not So Darling Depression Demon

I got frustrated earlier this evening(really for no good reason... it's just been happening easily lately) and decided to get out of the house. I called my friend, fully intending to rant to him about everything but not wanting to let on to that until later in the conversation. But to my dismay, my phone died ten minutes in. So I went into the Starbucks I was parked behind, ordered an iced coffee with cream and sugar and sat down. My phone was dead and the only other thing I had to do with me was my journal. I started writing whatever thoughts popped into my mind. No matter how random, pitiful, weird, confusing. It all went down. I ended up with twelve to fourteen different topics. I was there  for 45 minutes or so. My mind never stops.

Here's just a taste... or more like most of the meal haha
Marriage and how dreadful it's starting to sound, the cute guy reading the Ipad(or maybe it was a nook? I don't know much about these things.) in front of me and how I wished people still read real books, nice things people say, the fun night I had with Mel, my hatred for technology, how much I just want to be asked out on a date (Even if I say no because there's no way my body won't explode if that happens. My nerves suck.), how unhappy I have felt lately, the condition of our world, and how much I think about myself, and how little it does to make me feel better.


I came home and looked up some random crap. Found a website with wonderful info on...
Simple Lifestyle Changes!! Oohh Ahhh! A lot of it was actually very helpful, it's just the "changing" part that's actually going to make a difference. Can't just sit and think "O those are great ideas. I should do some..." and not. Time for change! Time to fight the lovely little depression demon that likes to haunt me a lot of the time. Yay.

Summer Thyme

I like summer. Here's why:
I don't take showers when I should, but rather when I feel like it.
I don't really wear any makeup, unless I'm going out, which isn't often.
I sleep in and read books all day. (on a good day)
My hair is in the same messy bun nearly everyday.
I can volunteer to help with anything and everything at my church and school.
I'm with my family a lot.
I can try all sorts of new recipes.

Here's what I want to do more of:
Walk.
Read. (I really haven't been doing as much as I had hoped.)
Random adventures.
Talk to strangers (still trying to figure out how to go about that one...)
Exercise. (I put that on here, knowing that I probably won't but secretly wishing that I had a personal trainer to kick my butt and get me back in shape.)
Play tennis. Haven't done it in months.
Do photoshoots with whoever wants their picture taken.
Hang out under the trees at the park by my house.

If I was a hippie, I think I would name my child Summer Thyme.

Ideas?

I'm sitting at our little kitchen table waiting for my cake to be finished baking. The window is open, a slight breeze drifting in. I can see the (almost) full moon right from my seat. A tall pine tree stretches its arms in front, partially blocking my view. I smile, knowing how fragile this thing called life is, but also knowing how good our God is.

I went for two short walks today. The first to Dollar Tree to look for a box to keep my recipes in. And the second to buy ingredients for yummy desserts from Smart n Final. On both of these walks, I was surprised at how pleasnt it felt to be outside, just walking. I think I got in a better mood just by doing it. Even though both of these places are right behind my house, (literally. there's an alley in between them and my house) I normally drive because I'm a lazy American.

As I walked, I reflected on my trip to Kenya and recalled wanting to come back home and do something to raise support for the people I met there. I did not want to come back home and sit on my butt and not do anything about everything I saw. But really, I haven't done anything. I was hoping to come home, speak at my dad's church, ask people to donate, and send a fatty check their way. I was hoping to have a fundraiser, garage sale, or sell stuff, to make money and send it to them. Seeing as how it is the middle of summer and I have no job and no money, I've found it very hard to do this. One, because it often takes a little bit of money to start up a project that will make money. And two, I need money to support myself.

I've been stuck in this limbo of wanting to do something for the friends I met in Kenya, needing to support myself, and not knowing what to do about any of it. The answer is to get a job, right? I've tried. Not very hard, but I've still tried. I know I can get a job at my school in the fall, so I think I'm just going to wait for that and enjoy the time I have now, loving people and getting to know my church. In the mean time, I am a poor broke college student.

I think of myself as an artsy person. I paint, I sew and make pillows(might try my hand at quilting with my momma sometime in the future), I take pictures. I know if I really tried, I could do something with one or more of these and make money. I just don't know how. I've looked into a couple art galleries and what not, but nothing seems to really fit. Not sure why I'm writing about all this. Part of me needs to rant and get all this out there. And another part is secretly hoping that someone will read this and come up with ideas and partner with me to make them happen. Anything can happen right?

Vote

http://www.winkflash.com/contest/winkflash/browse.aspx?idce=56149

Vote for my picture so I can get a gift card to print out my Africa pictures!

I Do What I Feel

If I don't have to do something, I probably won't.
I do what I feel.
But what happens when you don't feel like doing anything?
Suck it up and do something you don't have to do and/or don't feel like?
What's the point? What's the point of doing something you don't have to do and don't feel like doing?
Something to do?
This sounded a lot better in my head...

I've lost my sense of purpose. I feel like I waste away my days and do nothing of consequence. Really, the only person to blame is me. But I guess I don't know what to do about it. I'm used to doing what I feel and lately I haven't been "feeling". Anything. At all.

I'm stuck inside myself, and it's hard to see the way out.

Famous Flower