Silence and Rest

I keep coming back to a certain emotion/feeling/reaction/whatever in regards to the recent events.

Anger.

I don't like that. In fact, when I feel angry or mad, I end up getting even more angry or mad because I am angry and mad and don't want to be. How yucky! So I was laying in bed last night feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. And mad. I cried for a while. The gritty "pull all the covers to your face and breathe/cry/choke from lack of oxygen" kind of cry. I flipped over on my side to face the wall, feeling so frustrated with myself and my life. And then I get mad at myself for crying over my "horrible" "first world" problems when my life isn't that bad. And so I get mad because I feel like it is not ok for me to feel the way I am feeling. This so frustrating. So finally I got to the point that I just wanted some words of comfort. So I pulled out my small, worn bible that I love very much and flipped to the back. There are a few sections back there called "God's promises when you:" and "What to read when:". I love looking through these when I want to read but am not sure where to go. I skimmed the various categories, briefly pausing at "You need comfort", deciding that I would come back to that later. I moved on and then found what I felt like I needed. What to read when you are angry. The second verse it listed was in Psalms so I went straight to that.

Psalm 4:4
"In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent."

I have read this verse many a time but it never hit home with me so much as it did in that moment. In you anger... Not "if you get angry", but in your anger. As if making the assumption that one will get angry. This brought me comfort in the fact that it is ok to be angry. The anger I was feeling was valid, and there was nothing wrong with how I was feeling. The problem comes when your anger causes you to sin. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't do anything wrong because of my anger so I'm good! Ha!

I contemplated the rest of the verse for a little while, allowing God to work in me and quiet my heart and my thoughts. I began to "search" my heart. What were my concerns, worries, fears, disappointments? As I listed each one, I felt God saying "Ok, what else?" No condemnation or "that's not a good enough reason to be upset". Just OK, I hear you. What else is there? After I finished the "bad" list, I turned to more happy things. What were my hopes, wishes, desires? I answered all of these and laid them out. It felt good to list off these things, both good and bad, knowing God was there listening to my heavy heart. After I had gone through and consciously thought of each and every concern/desire on my heart I told God to take it and make me still. Bring me to silence. Help me to rest in him. The word that is used for be silent in verse 4 is the same word used for rest in Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord...". I think that is wonderful and I believe that is something God is beginning to teach me to do. Be silent before him and learn to rest in his presence. A hard thing to practice but rewarding.