Ramblings and Rantings

It's Sunday morning and I've been awake since about 4:30... Not what I would prefer but it's kinda my fault seeing as how I fell asleep around 8 last night. I figured this would happen as I was drifting to sleep but was hoping for the best, an extra long night of sleep. But it turns out it was just a normal amount. I do enjoy being up at this time though. It reminds me of the forty days I spent in Ignite, getting up at about the same time as the sun and spending time with the Lord. The best mornings were when it was warm enough to spend them outside on the landing(It was January and February). I could watch the seagulls flying in the direction of the sea and the sunrise was a reminder of God's glory and his promises.

Here I am a year and a half later. (I can't believe it's been that long.) It makes me think of where I've been and where I'm going. Many significant things have occurred in the last year and a half. Things I am proud of, others I'm not. Some of the best times in my life have happened in this period of time. And also some of the worst. But would I be here without them all? Would I be the same person I am today if I hadn't done or experienced all of it? I don't want this to sound cliche so please know this is all coming from the bottom of my heart. So with all those things said, who is the girl who types these words today? Am I proud of her? Is she who I want her to be? Am I really talking about myself in third person? Ha!
I don't really know how to answer those questions. I do, but I'm afraid of the honest answers. I've done so many things in the last year and a half that I said I would never do. Why? Were these moments of weakness? Where I let sinful desires overwhelm me and take over for a period of time. Well yea I guess so. Going back to an above question. Am I proud of myself? I am proud that I was able to make a decision to step away, while there are so many people who don't have the guts to do it. I am proud of that. I am proud that as a young adult, I looked for a church on my own with nobody telling me too. How many people in my age group would do that?
(You can tell morning has come when the birds start waking up and singing songs : ) )
Am I who I want to be? Do we ever come fully into the person we want to be or that God wants us to be? I don't think we do, because if we did, there would be no room for growing or for change. I can never be "perfected" so there is always room for growth, always room to become more the person God has created me to be.

I've been thinking of other early mornings: spent lying in bed, going to the airport, outside with Jesus, hiking to a cross on top of a hill all by my lonesome, going on hikes, and leaving on an adventure. This really is probably the most beautiful time of day. Yes, sunsets are wonderful and often times more people are able to admire them, but that's why I like sunrises. Less people are even awake to experience them. It's the beginning of a new day.

I've been sitting at the kitchen table this whole time. Looking out the window every few seconds to watch the new day come in. I love the colors of everything. The slightly muted hush tones of the houses across the street. The way the light hits our little front porch and the tiny red painted bench. It's all a wonderful color. But if I think about it realistically, it'd probably be too much if this is what the majority of the day looked like, instead of the fully lighted sunny days we are all so used too. I think that's why sunsets and sunrises are so wonderful. They occur every day but only for short periods of time where the colors change and people often recall past sunrises and sunsets.
<<<<< That made me think of the song from the musical Fiddler on the Roof. Sunrise, Sunset.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

We sang this in choir and it really is a beautiful song(especially when you know why the characters are singing it). One season following another/Laden with happiness and tears. Anyone else feel that?
Ugh I am so worn out from the latter part. Not that I have been crying much anymore, but just everything that comes along with it. I hung out at my friend Briana's yesterday. As I was leaving, she hugged me a little longer and tigther than usual, told me she loved me and something along the lines of "try to be happy". She told me earlier that I looked sad. I didn't take offense to it or anything but it sorta frustrated me, like really? Do I even have to wear this on my face? My mom has also told me a few times in the last couple days that I look tired.

What's wrong with me? I don't want to look the way I am feeling! And I want to stop feeling the way I am feeling! I'm tired of sitting around at home, letting myself waste away with feelings and emotions that I feel aren't doing me any good. My mom asked me last night how I was doing, if I needed to talk, or if I'm processing things or whatever. Am I processing things? NO. I sit around all day moping to myself, crying inside for the crap I miss and the crap I wish never happened. I'm not processing any of it, I'm just feeling it. And where is that gunna get me? It's just gunna leave me with a broken heart that doesn't feel like healing. It just wants to stay broken because it's less painful to break something that's already broken. But breaking something whole hurts more. Is it twisted that I know this and am probably subconsciously not allowing myself to heal because I am afraid to?
And you know what I just realized? Sleep brings sweet relief. I look forward to night because my thoughts stop for a few hours and I'm able to rest. And I just got pissed when I remembered that it's early morning and that I have to go the rest of this day.

And church doesn't even start for four more hours... Ugh

And now I'm just complaining. So I'll spare you and end this post.