Heart

Full and Unbroken? 

Hmmm... Working on it.

 

The joys of Postsecret....

What Happened?

There are a few pictures on the fridge at my house right now. Three are individual pics of my sisters and me when we were little and one more shows the three of us togther. I noticed that I looked incredibly happy and excited in these pictures. I asked my parents if I was a happy kid and they said I was. I jokingly asked what happened and my mom said it was because of the move. I instantly realized she was right. The summer before I started eighth grade, we moved from La Mirada to La Verne so my dad could take a job as associate pastor at a church in Covina. I was pissed. I did not want to move whatsoever. I felt like my parents were being selfish and not thinking of the whole family. But God called them... so you can't really argue with that. In our earlier conversation, they said that everyone suffered from the decision. The whole family suffered. WTH. My first thought was how could God have called them if all of us suffered from it? Then I started thinking realistically and without the bitterness that apparently has been clouding my mind forever. Even as I start thinking deeper about this situation, I'm left with the realization that I've been bitter all these years. Bitter towards my parents for making us leave our wonderful home, neighborhood, church family, schools and starting over with something completely new, different, and unwanted. Is this why my relationship with them has suffered so many years? Is that why I didn't want to be close to them, because I was afraid they would do something like this again?
Or maybe that's not the reason, but maybe it's the first step towards figuring out what went wrong. Regardless, things are changing with that relationship... and it's good and I like it. So mom and dad, since I know you read this, I want to say thank you. Even though everyone had a really difficult time with the move, we all grew from it. We all changed and we all have better stories because of it. I don't think I'm done healing from this. I think this is just the beginning because I didn't even realize until now that I had a deep wound. I'm not even sure what this all means, or why it's coming up now.

So this is my first step towards evaluating things of the past and figuring out what it means for me now. I feel like I am going to be learning a lot about myself in the next couple months and growing in that. It kinda freaks me out because I feel like it's going to be really hard. But I guess I'm looking forward to it at the same time.

I Hate Coming up with Titles...

So I don’t want this to be a typical “this is what I’m thankful for” blog. I don’t even want to tell you what I’m thankful for. I don’t want to be one more person who is writing about all the great things they thank God for. I feel like it’s this huge cliché and I don’t want to fall into that.  (Not to say that there is anything wrong with being thankful and telling people that… I think it’s great to remember that… but I honestly get tired of seeing a hundred Facebook statuses that say the same thing.)

So then, what do I write about? The original Thanksgiving? Well that was a day about celebrating the friendship between the early Americans and the Natives. It’s about two completely different groups of people who were able to come together and learn from each other. So what are we doing to truly celebrate this Thanksgiving? Are we taking the time to go out of our way to be a friend to the friendless? Or are we opposed to the types of people that are different than us? Are we building relationships with those that are different and can teach us something new? Or are we stuck in our old way of doing things unwilling to change or do things differently?

Well I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be stuck in my normal little way of doing things totally opposed to outside views and perspectives. I want to learn from people that are different than me and have experienced interesting things in their lifetime. I’m reminded of the movie “Eat Pray Love” where the main character goes on a soul searching adventure across the continents. I believe she went to India to some type of monastery thing where the people would meditate and do other things like that. She learned much about herself, life, and people while she was there. It just sounds so appealing. I’m not saying I’m going to go meditate with a bunch of monks or anything, but just the thought of going away and learning from another culture, from other experiences just sounds like an attractive idea.

So with all that said, I’m hoping to go on a soul searching adventure this coming year. I’m taking a break from school because I have no desire to be there and don’t really feel like I need to be either. I’m planning on looking for a full time job and what not… but if I could do whatever I wanted to, I would go across the country, exploring, meeting people, learning from people’s lives and whatever else crosses my path. Realistically, I’m probably going to take the first month or two delving into my art and poetry, hopefully read some good books, and spending lots of time with the Lord. I need to figure out what my life holds in the coming months and years… So maybe after I do that I’ll find a job and then once I make some money I’ll travel the country! Haha who knows. I just want to go on adventures. I want to see the Redwoods. I want to see places that I visited as a child but can’t really remember. I want to visit my grandparents in Colorado. I want to go to a state I’ve never been. I want to go to Seattle again. And then maybe when all that’s done, I’ll end up in Portland. Sounds lovely…

Anyway, this blog kinda took a different turn… but I like it. I meant to post this last night after getting home from my aunt's but we got home later than I expected... so I didn't end up finishing it. Anyway.... I'm done now. Happy Thanksgiving a day late. Now on to watch Christmas movies all day and whatever else....

Jumbled Thoughts

This might not sound jumbled... but it is in my head, so here is my attempt to briefly sort things out a little bit. Perhaps I will add more later...

I realized a few things today. Some things about faith and hope. Some things about myself. I hate when someone gives really good advice and you know they are right but it's so hard to really buckle down and make a change.

The verse below from Isaiah is taped on the wall next to my desk at work. I'm pretty sure it's been up since before I began working here. I read it often but today it was pointed out by a friend, because it was pretty relevant to my situation.

"You will keep in perfect peace,
him whose mind is stayed on you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for in YAH, the Lord,
is everlasting strength
Isaiah 26:3,4

Perfect peace.
(another version says)Steadfast minds. 
Trust in the Lord. 
Everlasting strength.

These all sound too appealing. I told my friend that my issue is not because of my situation but it is my mind that is allowing things to be the way they are, often intentionally making things worse. And he pointed out the verse on my wall. He will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is stayed on him...
Something to think about, yes?

Also I love this bit from Philippians 4...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
There is too much good stuff in God's word... I just need to take the time to find it.

Earth Intruders

Oh the things you find on Pandora.
I really like this song.
But the video is a trip!

Green as the Sea

From My Lady Chance:


There is a green stone at her breast
In her eyes no man finds rest,
Only discontent and strife.
Stormy and wild is her heart beat.
The price of her kiss is all of life;
But her kissing mouth is sweet;
Her scornful eyes are green as the sea
And she has laid her hand on me.

-Mary Carolyn Davies

In His Eyes Are A Thousand Stars

We are stars colliding
Now we crash
Like lightening into love

In his arms
I'm unwinding
Under his kiss
I'm falling into love

Take Hold

Love me some Shawn McDonald...

Beauty

I think this picture is gorgeous.

Artist: Shadow Chen

A New World

I hate constructive criticism but I kinda want some...

11/21/11

eyes closed on the brink of unconsciousness
new worlds begin to form behind closed eyelids
trees towers and flowers sprout from the ground
a stream trickles into existence as i set my eyes upon it
flowing softly but constant, never ceasing
my internal camera snaps shots involuntarily
the photographer in me never sleeps
always at work rushing to get the picture perfect
in print and in speech
i wander through this new place
discovering all that i have subconsciously created
entranced in one moment and surprised in the next
so much beauty and mystery weaved together into this strange world
but there also seems to be elements of sadness and captivity
this world i have created is lovely but something seems amiss
i smell no freedom and joy on the air
instead i am overcome by a sense of fearful loneliness
how can i feel so terribly afraid in such a dazzling world?
this place i've created is turning against me
no longer a place of escape but one that is trapping me in
stuck beneath this now starry sky
i lay down on my back in the middle of a grassy field
eyes closed but now seeing through the facade of this fake world
it is meaningless and brings me no true escape

Lovely

Wrote this the other night after I got off work. I had missed the sunset but the colors after it were just as great.... it was wonderful. Not sure if I like this a whole lot but it's whatever.

11/17/11

pale sandy colors of the evening sky drench the air with sweetness
the cold reaches inside my jacket stealing away all the warmth from my body
I stare out from the spot, eyes dazzling as they reflect the beauty I see before me
I shiver in the cold but I care not, for the painting on display is worth my temporary discomfort
the masterpiece I gaze at creates a heat inside my chest, burning to be released
my half smile becomes a grin as stars begin appearing, shining brightly without reservation
my brain can't help but marvel at the complexities of life and creation and the splendor that we see before us each day
it just goes to show how beautiful our creator is

Refreshed

What a delightfully glorious day sent from the Lord.
I had a lovely breakfast conversation with Rachael, Esther, and a couple others who I can't remember. I also don't quite remember the topic of conversation. But I remember that it was enjoyable.
After breakfast I went to a practice room with Pat and sang some random songs with him as he played piano. Lovely time.
Then it was time to go to English class, where Tim and I ended up window shopping online...like we often do...
After class I had a bit of time so I decided to actually get ready for the day(makeup, look cute, etc, whatever.) with Moriya and Summer. Summer convinced me to wear heels, so I've been wearing my lovely little wedges all day long. Woo!
I then headed to the loop for a date with my RA Megan. It was our first time hanging out officially and it was a wonderful time chatting with her and sharing a bit about me and getting her perspective on things.
I had my last scheduled mentor date with Elizabeth so we ate lunch in the caf. Talked about life and what's been going on and later were joined by Nizi and Erika, who brought much laughter to the table.
As if I didn't eat enough at lunch, my mom picked me up and we headed to Sam's Club to try out their holiday samples. Walked around trying all the delicious food and spying on fun, cute, and easy Christmas presents for people.
My day only got better when my best friend Melissa asked if I was free in the afternoon. She came over to the school to pick me up and get coffee and had a surprise to show me. She finally bought her own 66 Mustang!! Dang I was so happy for her I started crying. She's wanted a mustang for years. I'm so proud of her! We headed to Starbucks and enjoyed peppermint mochas(she had a white chocolate peppermint mocha, which fyi is way better than the regular one). Then we "cruised" around for a while, went to my house randomly and showed my parents. Then hit up Walgreens and showed Alex.
She dropped me off at school and I ate dinner with Lindsey, and headed to Rachael and Esther's room to say hi. They weren't there so I decided to leave them random notes all over their room. Great fun.
To end the lovely day, I went to the library along with my fellow poets to enjoy a night of beautiful inspirations spoken aloud. What a wonderful time. I ended up sharing something I wrote at the beginning of the year and it went fairly well. I'm glad I did it. After that I sat on the couch talking to Whitney and Rachel for a while about life, stories, relationships, Jesus, and other wonderful things. A lovely time learning from two great ladies who have much wisdom and experience. I will take that conversation to heart.

Now I have gotten to the point, where I just need to be alone. I don't want to listen to anyone else talk. I don't want to entertain anyone or make conversation. I want to just be. And that's what I plan on doing.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to have such a wonderful day, filled with friends, love, laughter, beauty, and fun. And thank you for showing me that it is ok to stop and take time for myself. I love the way you created me. I can be tired from a splendidly busy day like today, but still am able to feel refreshed just by being alone with you. You are so good, so so good to me.

Flowers and Grace

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Hooray for Mumford and Sons.

INFP

 This is so me....

Portrait of an INFP - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition)

---

The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves
INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.
INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.
INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".
When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.
INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.
INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.
INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.
INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

Unseen Love That Never Dies

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

 
music box-thrice