Hum Deedee Dum

6/24/11

Flames light the hills
Electric orange neon signs
Getting the attention of every eye
The mountains
Indigo blue contrast against
The faint cotton candy clouds
Drifting sweetly through the sky
Then, the sun takes
Its last breath of the day
Holding it until
A sigh of relief comes
At the breaking of dawn next morn

Poop

So originially, I pulled out my lappy to watch a movie on netflix and fall asleep... but it seems there is too much on my mind to actually do that.
1. People suck.
2. Being in an intense discipleship program for most of the last year, and then not... is hard.
3. Not being at Canby Grove stinks.
4. Not being near enough to friends that are hurting is hard.
5. Hating my own bipolar decisions/opinions is annoying.
6.Not having enough money is stressful.
7. Not wanting to be where I am is depressing.
8. Wanting to be where I'm not is worse, but sorta the same thing.
9. Having a pessimistic view despite the encouraging words at church tonight, aggravating.
10. Not really caring, worst of all.
11. Hating that people will read this, but still wanting them to, pathetic.

poop.

How the crap does a man just take off and leave his wife for another woman with no warning? What the crap is his problem? I don't even know this woman and I wish I could be there to hold her and cry with her, help her through the pain. People suck. Forgiveness is written in my blood/spirit/heart/soul/everywhere but it's hard for me to forgive people like that. I'm pissed that this man could do it. I'm pissed at how his actions have made his family feel and everything they have to deal with now. I'm pissed that he can get away with it. I'm pissed that he didn't stay true to his vows. I'm pissed that his son is hurting more than he can probably guess. I'm pissed that there's nothing I can do to help but pray. And I hate that I am so far away from my friend.

Move Out

I wish I lived on my own. And could throw parties whenever. Have people over for dinner whenever. Cook the food I want to cook. Bake as many desserts as I want to bake. Sleep in in the mornings and stay up late having fun.

I can't wait until I move out.

Summer timee...

In an earlier blog, I wrote about Don Miller's book and living a better story. Last night was one of my first steps to doing that. I decided (quite spontaneously and without much warning) that I wanted to hang with my bestie Melissa last night. I picked her up and we headed to a farmer's market by her house. After that we went over to a Starbucks and sat on a comfy couch. I shared with her my dilemma of not having a whole lot to do this summer and I didn't want it to be boring. I've been thinking about Don's book ever since I finished it and I really do want to live a better story. SO, Mel and I began to think up fun, silly, or crazy things we can do this summer. I grabbed a page of the newspaper sitting on the table next to us to write on and to my delighted surprise it had both the funnies and the obituaries! Score! Skateboarding, flying kites(her first time), playing checkers with an old man in a park, and taking pictures of strangers are just a few things we're planning on doing this summer. I want her to get a tattoo, so she decided for henna. She wants me to die my hair, so I'm going to do temporary. Silly stuff but still fun.

What are you going to do to live a better story?

We're Never Gunna Survive Unless We Get a Little Crazy

Today is one of my crazy days. A day where I secretly feel like I'm going crazy. A day that I could sit around all day with knees to chest, arms around holding tight, rocking back and forth. Staring into nothing. For hours. And be perfectly fine.

I feel like that's a bit crazy. We all have the potential for insanity I think. It's just what we do with those thoughts. Like right now, I feel like running around screaming throughout my house and then calmly walking back into my room and shutting the door. And then continue to sit, holding knees to chest and rocking back and forth, giggling as I imagine the looks on the faces of my family.

Creeper? Maybe. Maybe I just want a little bit more fun in my life. Maybe I'm sick of acting how I'm supposed to, so I want to act out. I don't know. Last night I hung out with a friend, and as we were leaving Target, we decided to go back to old times and follow someone and see where they were going. (I promise we would never do this for real for real, it's just silly fun.) So we began to follow one car but didn't like who it was so we looked for a different victim. We were hoping to go for an old man or something. We ended up driving by a truck with two cute college guys in it and decided to follow them. We had the music up and were laughing hysterically. It was so much fun. We eventually stopped following cuz I had to go home and I couldn't waste all the precious gas in my car. But still... it was something that was stupid and crazy and just fun.

I want more fun. Time to stop holding back and act a little crazy?
Yes please.


We're never gunna survive unless we get a little crazy

Living a Better Story

I could write about so many things right now... but then this post would probably be long and obnoxious, so I'll try to avoid that.

I needed my own time tonight and I actually felt like painting! (Which is amazing because I haven't felt like doing anything of the sort lately) I went to a home church (they are hoping to plant a church in Claremont soon) last night and had seen a cool painting on their living room wall with a great verse from Psalms on it. I've been thinking about this ever since and I decided I wanted to paint something with one of my favorite verses, Romans 15:13. I turned on Enric Sifa (great singer from Africa) and began to paint. I'm really happy with how it turned out.

So... a couple things about this painting that were different for me. One, it was my first time painting on canvas. And holy crap I never want to go back to artist paper stuff. I LOVE painting on canvas. I know what I'm saving my money for now... Two, if I want a certain color for my painting, I will pick it out of the numerous colors I have and then use it like that. But with this painting, I used only red, blue, and yellow, and a bit of white too. There are tons of colors in the painting but I created them all! I normally mix colors... but it was cool that I only had to use three main colors. It sounds silly because everyone learns about primary colors and mixing them and whatever... but it was just cool.

I've been reading Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I love his books. He is real, brutally honest, and a beautiful writer. In his book, some movie producer guys come to him about making a movie out of a previous book he wrote. They get to work and the guys start changing all of these things about his character in order to make him more interesting, likeable, etc. This upsets Don, but he goes on to learns about stories, what makes people connect with them and what makes a good one. He begins to reflect on his own "life story" and realizes it's not very interesting and that he could be living a better story. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my own life and my own story as well. What else could I be doing to live a better story? Not for the sake of telling people, or sounding awesome or anything, but simply because God gave me this life and I can do whatever I want with it. He gives me the freedom to create. How cool is that?

On our way home from Solvang today, an old idea popped into my head and it could and would force me to live a better story. I'm not going to share the idea... because it's still in the planning/processing stages and I'd rather not get everyone's hopes up. Haha but it's there and I know that I am capable of creating a better story by living out that dream. Pray for me, because it's going to take a lot of learning, money, and planning. We shall see...

Ok, the end, finally.

You are greatly loved.

How I Miss Them So

"God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ..." Philippians 1:8-10

I would give anything to be with these beautiful people right now.

I cannot wait until the day I will see you all again.

Heated

Read slowly and intentionally:

Make sure you have a passion/goal/love/dream and stick to it.
If you don't have one, examine yourself and figure it out.
You will be unhappy until you do.
Don't take on someone else's passion just because you don't have one.
Once again, you will be unhappy.
Don't be a bitch about someone else's dream. That's not ok.

More than anything, I want a partner who has the same passions and goals as me. I don't want them to live for mine, or me for theirs. But if our dreams are similar, we'll be living for them together.

Free Conversation Anyone?

I just got back from Barnes and Noble a little while ago and I have a few thoughts.
Fifty year old men should NOT wear skinny jeans and "stylish" flannel shirts. It's not ok. This man wore super tight jeans and a flannel shirt that had bright blue in it. He completed his strange outfit with these weird brown boots. You know, like something high school boys wear everyday(minus the boots).
Part of me wonders if he dresses like that everyday or if he lost a bet to his teenage daughter. But he was alone... so I'm not quite sure. (p.s. not making fun, just sharing the small laugh I had because I was also alone and had no one to share the experience with.)

And also... I wish people were friendlier. I go out silently wishing that I will have a random conversation with a perfect stranger, hoping that someone might be bold enough to approach me to talk. But if that's what I'm wishing, maybe I should be doing that. It kinda freaks me out though. Perhaps I should do what this guy did:

But I think people might freak out if I had such a gnarly mustache.

Check out this guy's website to see the good things he is doing with his stache!
http://www.fundastache.org/mattyc

Boys and Bugs

I'll admit, this song isn't the greatest or anything. And I feel silly posting it... but I like the verses.

Dreams

I dreamt of this place again last night. It's probably been years since the last time I had this dream. It is a place like what I used to imagine my aunt's house looked like, before I visited. A huge property, farming ish, horses, fields, flowers, trees, all kinds of lovely things. I remember having this dream when I was little, I would always ask if I could walk down to the horses and go for a ride. Only once in this recurring dream did I ever ride a horse... but it was wonderful. Another time I took a walk down to a HUGE  field of tall sunflowers. I looked  up at the sky, smiling, enjoying the beauty of the day. And last night, my dream consisted of once more, me wanting to go for a walk through their huge property and possibly visit the horses. It was an hour or so until sunset, and I got involved with helping take care of somebody. To my dismay, by the time I was done it was dark. The next day I was determined to go out for a walk... but I don't think it ever happened. I must have woken up or something.

They are funny things
These recurring dreams.
It remains to be seen
What they really mean.
But I am quite keen
On seeing into the ravine.
My mind is a machine
As I try to intervene
And break the routine.

Time for Tea

I typed a ton of different opening sentences for this first blog of mine... All of them were crap.
I guess I just wanted a place that I could be totally honest or completely vague, whatever I am feeling at the time.

I recently got back from a missions trip to Kenya. We were required to journal everyday and that became so big and really important for me. I became totally honest with myself and write down all the crazy thoughts that were going around inside my brain. I held nothing back. It was my journal, so why should I? As I started letting the thoughts flow out and write EVERYTHING my journal entries lengthened and I was able to process things better. So perhaps that is what this blog is for. To continue the output of the flooding thoughts that tend to capsize me inside my own head. I won't hold anything back, and maybe people will be able to know me just a tiny bit better. And perhaps others will see how similar we all are. Who knows.


So with all that said... here are my thoughts today:

I miss Kenya. I miss tea time and the importance of just sitting and talking with others. The focus on relationships is so much greater than the task at hand. Many times we would take a break from work to have tea and hang out from as short as twenty minutes to as long as an hour. The job didn't matter so much as the conversations we shared with each other. "Tea Time" was such a valuable time that I feel we miss out on here in the U.S. Most people are so busy, rushing around to get everything done that needs doing, and getting upset if it isn't.
I love the slow paced, relational mentality of those in Kenya. Is there a way to incorporate that here? Should we include "tea time" in our days? Making sure to take a few breaks from work and play and get to know the people that surround us? I wish we would.
Or maybe it's just me... Maybe there is time, but I don't take enough of it to get to know the people around me. I want to though. And that's something I've learned since getting back home. I don't REALLY listen. I do, I listen to them in the moment and pay attention to what they are saying... but I don't listen to remember. Or at least not super often. Or maybe I just have a crappy memory. Not sure, but I want to take the focus off of myself in conversation and put it on the other person speaking. I want to know people. Really know them.

I wrote this in my journal last July:
"I want to know people. Like really know them. I want to know more than just the facade that they show the world. I want to know the deep thoughts of those around me. I want to know their past and their dreams for the future."

And this is still my heart today. I love people. Just the thought that there are so many different kinds of them out there, makes me excited because every person has stories and experiences to share. And I want to know them. How cool would it be to just sit around all day listening to people's stories and then perhaps, writing them down? Documenting them so they will never be forgotten. Even those seemingly insignificant ones about them peeing their pants at the beach when they were five. That stuff makes people. Then again... maybe not so much the pee story haha. But I still think it'd be cool.

So let's take a break for tea
You, him, her, and me.
I want to hear your stories
Tales of failures and glories
I will share my own
And you will no longer be alone
I want to know you and you me
Honest and true we shall be
I will be open from the start
I pray that you see my heart
As we share and enjoy this time,
I'll not see your faults and you'll look past mine