Giant in the Sky

4/4/12

One day I saw a giant

Floating in the sky

He spoke to me a few short words

And I had to question why

He told me, precious child

Of whom I am well fond

I will paint the earth

And everything beyond

The sky is truly blue

And the grass surely green

I am telling you this

Because you have not really seen

The world before you is vast

And full of living things

You already know this

For you have been given wings

Do not forget the beauty

Of the future and the past

This place will always be here

It will forever last

He mumbled something else

As he drifted slowly by

I couldn’t help but wonder

What does this mean and why?

Summertime

Here's something:

There is something about the quiet peaceful calm
within the house that speaks of no other time of year than this
Something about the cool shaded darkness
of my room when the shades are down
the blurry noise of the fan twisting to and fro
the somewhat cool air being blown about
brushing up loose papers
It is scorching hot outside but dark and cool inside my room
I take refuge from the blazing heat as I sit on my bed in shorts and a bikini top
I reflect on summers past, recalling the good ol days
running through the sprinklers, before we moved into a house with a pool
taking long gulps of cool water, straight from the hose
washing the car just to get wet
block parties on fourth of July
sitting in a dark room, sometimes there was AC, sometimes not
enjoying a cool escape from a really hot day

Being Ok

"Sometimes being ok is a victory."

These words were spoken to me at church yesterday and they stopped me in my tracks. So much truth in them. Sometimes being ok, just ok, is a victory. I love that. It made me a tiny but significant amount happier.



Sorry I fell off the face of the earth this month. I'll try to be better about that. Maybe.

Things to always remember:
prayer, your words, trust in him always. <<<<< must.remember.always.

here's to the new year

this blog is so not efficient but o well

so i'm sitting on my couch in the new year. the wind is blowing outside causing the wind chime to add some lovely tunes to the music of the night. the leaves covering the grass scuttle against each other in the breeze, making it sound like someone or something is walking through them. i guess that's kinda creepy, but i don't care and am not afraid.

i meant to write a blog before the new year... but i never really got around to it. i'm not sure if it was going to be more reflective or looking forward towards the future... but here i am and the future is now but it's not the future because the future and the past don't exist because the only thing that exists is the now and anything that used to be, no longer is, because it is not now. (hahahahhahahaha gosh)

anyway... this year shall be a year of doing things that i love, facing my fears, taking risks, learning to truly forgive and stop avoiding conflicts. dang that all sounds so cliche.... whatever. that's what i want to do this year.

it's kind of crazy how much i've learned in just the last week or two. it's kinda intense and amazing. stuff about myself, about relationships, about life in general. i'm still figuring my ish out(there are so many things i need to work on...) but i'm really excited for this year. i really feel like it is going to be one of growth and discovery of myself and God. more so than any other year.

i'm so stoked.

The Right Questions

When I'm bored I often frequent websites that are great time wasters. One of them being stumbleupon. I've found some cool crap because of that website. One page I stumbled upon had cool pictures with questions that would get the viewer thinking. This particular blog is going to focus on two of those thought provoking questions.
1. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?
and
2. What's the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?

One looks back, the other looks foward.

I get a feeling that this blog is going to be really hard for me. To figure out what to say, how to say it, and how to be truly honest with myself and the world.

Number one... the most defining moment... My first thought is Kenya and all the things I experienced and learned while there and even after returning home and how to go about living "regularly" again. But I wonder if there isn't some other moment from the past fifty-two weeks that can be seen as significant and life altering.

I recall a conversation I had recently, in the last two or three days. "I wonder if instead of forgiving people, you actually forget about the situation and put it behind you." (basic paraphrase) The old phrase "forgive and forget"... I always say that I am good at that. Or at least the forgiving part. I forgive and then I move on. But this person brought it to my attention that perhaps I'm not actually forgiving, but I'm accepting it as it is and forgetting it so I don't have to deal with it. This thought kinda freaked me out at first. And I guess if I'm honest, it still does. I think there is a lot of truth behind their observation of me. If I look back on certain situations, it is hard for me to remember certain things... I'm starting to realize that I block out negative circumstances/memories in order to move on and not truly deal with them.
If this is the case, I have some serious work to do! I can't go around "forgiving" people when really I am just choosing to forget what they did or said. If I really think about it, do I truly know what it means to forgive? I can look back on significant moments in the last few years and still feel a slight bitterness, sadness, or whatever else. Have I not truly forgiven? Some of this I thought I dealt with long ago. Part of me wonders if there is still work to be done. Ughh I hate this.
(Even as I finish this up, I feel as if there could be a few more defining moments in the last year... perhaps I shall write another blog about that later.)
   
So I guess this kind of leads me to question two... This is something I need to change in the next year. Or at least work on, or learn or something. I need to learn what it is to truly forgive and I need to learn how to STOP avoiding conflict. This scares the crap out of me. It's a conflict in itself. Conflicting the way I normally do things. Well this should be fun.

Merry Christmas Kenya

I've been lying in bed for the last forty-five minutes reminiscing about Kenya. I don't think I can get away with that and not write a blog about it. I'm not even sure what made me think of it... Maybe I wondered how people celebrated Christmas there, or if they even do. (I'm pretty sure they do) I wondered about the weather, remembering that it is summer for them(and basically for us too! haha)
I laid here and thought about the tiny little details, the small instances that occurred that I don't tend to think about when I think of that wonderful trip. I know I have probably shared some of these with you guys, but I'm hoping that some are new to your ears.... or rather your eyes haha

The morning Annie and I and the boys hung out on the patio in the foggy morning watching the birds swoop out of the sky and eat their breakfast of those flying bugs that were everywhere!
The bumpy bumpy bus rides to and from everywhere, including that time when our driver was brave enough to take us down a very narrow street in the Kibera slum. I was so scared.
The night we arrived in Kenya...I remember looking out the window of our plane and seeing lights spotting the landscape but it was a different kind of light. Somehow I could tell that it was not a city, but rather a slum. After traveling through customs we were picked up by Terry and Beto in our bus. It was dark and rainy and so so beautiful.
The security guards standing around in many places with their huge guns strapped across their chests...
The BEST chocolate crossiant thing I've ever had from Java House.
A young girl who had been given a piece of candy, unwrapped it and bit it into three pieces for her and her friends to share it...
The best worship experience of my life(seriously) occurred in a modest room, standing along the wall with my team members as we sang along with the deep sounds of thirty or so men who were recovering addicts, alcoholics, thiefs, and abusers. All of us together worshipping our God.
Kara's parasite scare... haha
The time I was taking a shower and another girl(I won't mention her name lol) was sitting on the toilet and the power went out! Which also meant that the water stopped working... luckily I had finished rinsing out my hair. Then the four of us girls laid on one of the beds talking and giggling our heads off in the dark.
That night I laid on the grass with Ashley and tried to find constellations in the sky using the app on her phone. I loved that.
The night Josh and I had a heart to heart on the patio and I drew a picture in his sketch book.
Crashing(not really) a wedding when we went to Karen Blixen's old home turned museum.
Asking one tiny question about relationships in a circle of "youth" at church and the conversation exploding from there.
Seeing basically my only Kenyan sunset as we were coming back from Terry and Beto's house that one night. (We were always at the place we stayed by that time for safety and traffic issues)
Watching the Dog Whisperer with Annie and Cherise.
Going to a mini catholic church service(mass?) at the old people place and feeling very awkward and out of place.
The two old blind men who had betrothed themselves to Renee and I and asked us to come back to them after we finished our schooling.
The educated man playing checkers who Bobby(I think) and I chatted with about the United States and sports.
The respect that I had for hard working women after spending the day washing sheets by hand,(and attempting to wring them out, also by hand. I realized that day that I am completely lacking in arm muscle...) mopping, emptying toilets and the like.
Being asked if we had ever washed clothes by hand. When our answer was no, the ladies asked us if our parents did it or if we had maids to do it for us. Hesitantly we said no and said we had machines to do it. They looked at us surprised but knowing at the same time and continued back to their work.
Having to eat a huge plate/bowl full of rice and beans. Feeling sick afterwards.
Having to eat a huge plate full of all kinds of stuff. And drink a soda on top of it.
Ordering a bacon cheesburger among other things on one of our last days and wanting to slap myself for eating so much(I didn't even have to finish that food, but I tried to). I didn't even feel sick, I just wanted to lie on the floor and die because I was so full of food. Worst feeling ever.
Going inside a Maasai's home.
Worshipping our creator in the middle of his beautiful creation with Maasai women who were singing in Swahili.
The tiny boy at the Nest Home whom I fell in love with. I don't even remember what it was, but he was beautiful and so very special to me.
Darling Peninah... a girl who after helping me offer roses to everyone on Mother's Day, asked me to follow her around and take pictures of her.
The ringing of the bell for meal time.

I could go on and on. And I really want to, but this is long enough already. Although I do feel it is insufficient of the time I spent thinking of it all. I definitely left a lot out.
A beautiful, beautiful experience. Perhaps I shall write more blogs with other little remembrances.
O how I miss it so.
Merry Christmas Kenya.

Truth